Over the past ten years, I’ve been chasing after something. Moving in a direction of “always doing” and achieving a particular goal to prove and make believe. It was a fun ride, if I’m honest. But, it was never easy. Many times I’ve tripped over my own clumsiness, due to my fast-paced nature that knows no boundaries. It was painful and terrifying that eventually took a huge toll on me. Nonetheless, I never regret any of it. I’ve learned so much by getting hurt and allowing others to hurt me. I developed certain forms of trauma that I created on my own and prescribed myself a high dosage of numbness through a destructive behavior that made things worse. In other words, I embraced all of my darkness by falling into and upon it, by seeing pain in all of its glory right in front of my very eyes.
My eyes, yes, my eyes. My eyes have seen it all. At least, at first this is what I thought. But all these years of fast-moving approach, like the spirit of the untethered horse inside me, I missed so much around me thinking that there’s only one way and no other. I was highly focused on moving forward in a direction unbeknownst to me. All I know was that I need to keep heading towards north, not knowing what North truly means. And when I did, I reached that high level of exhaustion, and figured that it’s not what I was looking for. I got drained, tedious and lost touch with my own zest.
Reaching the peak of it, I decided to free-fall. Not fearing death but acknowledging that it’s possible. I didn’t know why I wanted to jump high and fall back onto the ground but a whisper told me it was safe to do so. I trusted in that voice that lasted for a mere three seconds. I trusted but it failed me. I got hurt. I mean, who wouldn’t get hurt if you fall from the peak of the Northern Mountain? It was, unbelievably excruciating. I cried a ton but the pain didn’t go away. I wanted to cry for help too, but afraid that no one would hear me. The only choice I’m left with was to take the time to heal by staying on the ground and tethering myself at a nearby home. The voice told me to jump but it didn’t mention it’s going to be painful, not to mention, a long process of healing needs to happen so I can move the way I do before. I was a fool, to think of this, I know. And although I didn’t die, I felt as if I was dying everyday. I hated what I saw in the mirror when I checked all the bruises and wounds that the fall gave me. I blamed myself for trusting the voice and allowing myself to go back to ground zero. There was a bunch of shame, guilt and anger that I entertained while I was hiding. I didn’t want people to see how disgusting I’ve become. I stayed and I stayed, and stayed a bit more, down here, longer than I expected. Over time, an epiphany dawned on me. The most beautiful things I missed while I was running like a free horse aiming for goals, were all around me. They’ve been around me for so long that I never had the chance to even see it. I was blind, therefore.
My eyes, yes, my eyes. My eyes thought they’ve seen it all. If I didn’t make the free-fall, I might regret staying blind for the entire duration of my human experience. Moreover, the voice that whispered to me to take the fall guided me to finally see and freed me from the shackles of obscurity. Like I mentioned, I never regret any of it, no matter how painful, no matter how absurd. It was a decision I made out of trust and faith into nature, faith unto a Higher Being who knows the best path to take. I’m now taking the path down here, where all the flowers bloom, with its people whose smiles on their faces make my day. I am walking slowly this time, so I don’t get to stumble often and for me not to miss the beauty of Gaia. I am journeying in the present, laying down my bow and arrow, targeting no specific goal to reach, no mountains to conquer. Slowing down, breathing in, cultivating the gift of the now.