10th. Counting sticks of sin that was too hard to resist. I promised myself I would stop. But every blow feels like travelling around places I’ve never been. It’s an adventure, an escape, a temporary peace. My sweaty hands are trembling as I speak. Left hand on the cigs, right one on the keyboard. My second coffee for the day’s sitting on my desk. Multi-tasking to balance the chaos in my mind. Too much lines and circles in it, too many shades of colors I’m finding it so challenging to pick. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I keep doing the bad things? And how come the bad makes me feel good? Have you ever felt that too?
I wonder.
Maybe it’s all in my head. No caffeine or nicotine should be blamed. It’s all inside me. Or maybe it’s in all of us. Isn’t it? The urge to starve for pleasure, to seek for comfort, to learn how to completely embrace yourself and to look for peace within you. The questions that were scattered all over you that haunt you every night. And the answers you’re too eager to grasp but are nowhere to find.
And it terrifies you. The fights and the loss. And the undying hunger to win and soar. Hence you settle for the numbness that cigarettes and coffee provide, to stop you from overthinking and to make yourself happy.. even for a short while.
Took the last sip. That final drop of the black coffee that was no longer hot. Black, I prefer it black. The darkness of it seems to give light to every nerve in me that was sleeping. That’s what I like about my coffee––it renews me. It renews me as it disturb the regularity of the beats of my heart. It’s bad for me, I know. But what can I do? If I enjoy savouring the bad by seeing the goodness of it, should I stop?
I wonder. Maybe, just maybe… it’s all in my head.
**************
#partlyfiction
Note: Title was inspired by a story called Of Hornets and Butterflies written by one of the greatest writers I look up to in WordPress. Thanks for the inspiration, Hyperion 🙂
Apple Rae 
I enjoyed it. The details were perfect to be expressive enough and feel what you were saying
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I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you so much ☺️
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Thank you so much for the wink and nod, Apple. I loved your introspective story. While I’ve never been a smoker, I am an avid fan of coffee. I only sleep at night so I can wake up in the morning and have coffee. I think your artful selection of an image to support your story gives the story a special feel of luxury and maybe a tad of decadence and a touch of melancholy within the introspection. It was at times lyrical with the voice soft and thoughtful. The ending was superb, which you built up in the body of the story. It had that suggestion that the pleasure might outweight the bad rap. Maybe it is all in our heads and if that is the case, my exuberant head elves approve. I give this lovely story four Dragon thumbs up. 😍
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Thanks for the four Dragon 🐉 thumbs up 👍🏻, Hyp! Just too much stuff arguing in my head I had to write it down lmao 😆 thank you so much, seriously. Our little community here in WP add so much value into my life, you guys are so amazing. Truly appreciate you! 💖
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You are very welcome, Apple. I certainly identify with a head full of thoughts. Sometimes I cant figure out what my head elves are arguing about so I just have to wing it. 🤪. And you are certainly right about our little community of friends. We all just seem to fit right into a nice little group and the support is wonderful.
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‘Hence you settle for the numbness that cigarettes and coffee provide, to stop you from overthinking and to make yourself happy.” Yes! That’s exactly it…and I could not have described it with such perfection! I know it’s bad for me…but the numbness overrides the sorrow…Great writing Apple!
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Yesssss!!!! It’s bad but it’s good, eh?! Lol. I love it when you quote my lines. It’s when you believe in me that I stop second guessing my skills, so thank you so much. I look up to you and try as hard as I can to keep up with your talent. 😍
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Wow, I’m impressed! Thank you!
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I’m very impressed a highly talented writer such as yourself with think so highly of me. Thank you.
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You’re welcome, George. 🙂
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Great writeup…tho i don’t smoke but i have a friend who does and he does it in other to feel better. He does it each time he is down rather than speaking to anyone and i hate that. I will prefer he talks to me but no!…anyway,lovely writeup…i enjoyed it.😁
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Yea, there’s something about smoking that lift our spirits up, or maybe it’s just in my head lol thank you my dear. I truly appreciate your presence in my blog every time 🙂
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You are welcome…and yeah…i will always be here😁
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Cigerretes and coffee have been exchanging their friendship since a long time.. the thought you shared, it’s perfect! 🌹
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Thanks for taking the time to read and for the comment 🙂
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You’re welcome:)
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I could absolutely feel the torment of being pulled into a behavior that you couldn’t resist. The conflict between one’s flesh that wants to partake, and one’s higher self that knows you shouldn’t.
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Absolutely right, Lloyd.
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I’m glad you’re back…
Love and light.
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Thanks Eliza. I couldn’t seem to view your site for some odd reasons 🤔
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An impressive piece of brilliantly written prose, Apple. ❤
It reminds me of Raymond Chandler’s writing and his stories about his private eye detective hero Phillip Marlowe.
Although it was cigarettes and bourbon that Chandler’s Marlowe sang his narrative poetic prose praise of rather than cigarettes and coffee.
Although if Marlowe was working late at night on a case, he would sometimes go into a late night cafe/coffee shop and have a cup of strong black coffee (or java as he sometimes called it) to keep him awake.
When I was younger, I used to drink my coffee black.
But now I prefer double cream and double sugar because I like the taste plus I also like to watch the fight between Yin and Yang – the light side of the Force and the Dark Side of the Force- Darth Vader vs. Obi Wan Kenobi- as I stir my cup.
And drink it like Han Solo- with his many shades of gray- drifting back and forth across the line that divides white from dark.
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I’ve also tried double cream and double sugar it’s so good but too much sugar can kill me lol so nah 😅 you just reminded me of one of my favorite author and speaker Simon Sinek who, in one of his podcast interviews, said that he has figurines of Star Wars characters in his office and said that of all the characters, it was Han Solo that he could relate much, with his character and personality. I don’t know much about Star Wars, but I know a lot of people who are so into it. I wonder why…
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I’m not as big a Star Wars fanatic as my best friend in High School was.
I was more into vampire movies and old time mystery/detective movies such as Sherlock Holmes and Phillip Marlowe.
But of all the Star Wars characters, it was indeed Han Solo I could most relate to.
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What a descriptive read from top to bottom, so much so that you could almost smell the cigarettes and coffee. It’s almost as if you sat and looked at that person as you wrote about them with how accurate of portrait you painted. And the explanations behind why she needed the vice was amazing, the nicotine and caffeine was a life line. They say sometimes you gotta do what’s wrong to do what’s right and you incorporated that in this as well. We’ve all been on the addiction of something, call it crazy but everyone has a vice or a drug, mines is strawberry smoothies! Great post Apple, so perfectly expressed to the addictions of inner demons.
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You truly get me and my thoughts so well, Roy. You’re right about addiction and vices. Yours is too cute 😂🍹 thanks for taking the time to read and appreciate
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you describe the dark side of every person. I can feel it 🙂
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The dark side we all couldn’t deny. I’m glad you felt it, Enni. So happy you’re here! Missed you a lot 🙂
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Missed u too lady 🙂 yes, I’m back :p
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I’m glaaaaad! I’ll pay your site a visit, thanks for dropping by 🙂
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thank you lady 🙂
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Multi-tasking to balance the fiction, I’ve been doing that lately. I cannot tell you how much it sucks, but it takes away the shit you have for sometime.
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Yeaaaaa i totally feel you, Ankit. Thanks for reading! ♥️
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The pleasure is mine.
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Brilliant story-telling, looked up to the post – rather the context of it – a couple of times and really felt inspired to write something similar, thus it also felt as if you represented more behind the curtain. Love it with all I have!
I will blame you for tonight, if you know what I mean…
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Oops, blame away! The struggle is real 😅 thank you so much!
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Decided to write, and couldn’t finish. Feel like a dead man. The struggle is real AF! 😅
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I feel youuuu 😅💔😝 it happens. And when it happens, the title of this post is my go-to-comfort, to calm my nerves and let ideas flow 😂 albeit it’s just all in my head 🤪
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Scary, I mean the head of yours 😂 Somehow imagined the butterflies flying all over the place in the smoke and then… Dying – just like me when couldn’t finish the post up coz’ had to get to work 😂
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A wonderful read full of great descriptions that clearly painted a picture in our minds.
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Thank you drew! Sorry for the super delayed response lol hope all is well 🤗
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That is quite okay. Happens to me as well. All is great. Full of inspiration
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Well done! I love this text: cool but emotional with a bit of “sadness” & “darkness” 🙂
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Aw thank you Rayyyy 😍
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I think you and I have been perhaps silently crossing paths through ours and other blogs. I have never commented before, but I actually sought you out today. Just a gut instinct. This was truly captivating and truly truthful
I relate. I have smoked on and off for a few years and coffee is my drug of choice, and perhaps another drug I indulge in at around 4.20pm some days (If that makes sense to you then cheers to the plant of the earth gifted to us by divinity.)
You are a great writer and I relate to wanton rambles that make sense to only a few, born in the early midnight hours. Glad I found you today.
M
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Hi M, it’s so nice to feel your warm presence in my blog and I highly appreciate those sweet words. Well, you’re right.. we have a very small community of bloggers and I found you thru Hyperion. I remember commenting in one of the best erotic and romantic pieces I’ve read ever and realised how naturally gifted you are as a writer. Thanks for the follow and I’m glad you could relate to this piece. These kinds of addiction help us in a way, no? Cheers! 🙂
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I like you. You have something pure and warm about you and I can see why followers, bloggers and beautiful people flock around you. You are perhaps innocent to the attraction you emit, or maybe you are aware of it a d allow to permeate the consciousness of others. Regardless, my instinct is to draw near to you, and bask in your writing and thoughts.
I don’t know which post you are speaking of , but I can guess. “She was his from this moment”
That was a very important piece for me.
Anyway.
A kiss for you
M
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This made me think of the years I smoked. How I wished I had the money I spent on those little controlling sticks that settled my mind but ate my lungs. Both my children were conceived while I was a heavy smoker…both were tiny. I believe it was from the smoking, nevertheless I continued smoke for all the reason you wrote about, I like it, but it did not like me. I finally got tired of the control it had over me because I found something I wanted to control me, a someone who loved me more then that cigarette, Jesus. I had always been a person who like to be in control because it made me feel better as if I was a god of some sort. Of course when things got out of control I knew I wasn’t a god, just a woman. So there I sit, a woman with Jesus living in me smoking and each draw of that stick begin to make me sick, my love for it turned to hate because it controlled me. So I went cold turkey, terrible withdrawals but slowly but surely the draw faded and now I never think about it. That cigarette cared nothing for me, Jesus gave His live for me, the cigarette would take my life. Jesus gave me life. End of story. Sorry for such long replies…your writing draws this from me and I figure you will read or won’t read what I reply and that’s ok for it is good for me to read your writing and write my response. Blessings.
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This is so inspiring. I don’t mind the long comment because i felt that it came from your heart. I’m just amazed with how strong our connection is through the power of these words. Thank you for reaching out and for being a message of LOVE. You are awesome 😘
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