Of what’s keeping me awake

Words keep me awake. They always ruin my ultimate goal to create a normal sleeping habit of sleep-early, wake-up-early kind of thing. I’ve always fooled myself that I could do it, even my boyfriend almost always roll his eyes in incredulity. Hell, it’s f*cking hard. The eyebags are even worse to look at when you wake up, looking all worn-out and restless despite the idea that you also get atleast seven hours, albeit inconsistently. And yes, the morning after effect always makes me regret staying up til like 3am just to give words some freedom. And yes, I blame the words. These words that give me such indescribable aching pain in an unknown part of my soul or maybe something deeper than that, if there is. Quite a challenge to explain. I’m sure artists (like my boyfriend who actually said this and consider himself a “night owl”) would agree to me if I say that staying wide awake between 12 midnight to 4 am usually gives birth to crazy ideas you didn’t know existed. It’s funny to think I was saying this, after an argument I made with my boyfriend recently when I encouraged him to sleep early to that certain level of absurdity, because even I couldn’t do it. Perhaps it’s that mad debater in me who always wants to win that took place in that “little debate” about sleep and oh yes, that’s a totally different story. I’m talking about words and what they do to me. And this is not just about “seeing” words that fly above my head in my consciousness but more. I don’t just see words. I FEEL them. And sometimes I find it ludicrous, most days I laugh at my own. I laugh at my own sense of folly for thinking that words have a soul, that they have a meaning, that they have a heart that beats of hope and of love. It’s true, that I sometimes feel ashamed with the idea that I exaggerate things uncontrollably and unconsciously but oh God, this is what completes me—as a writer and as a person overall. It completes me… feeling words and hearing them having each distinct sound and melody that compliments my current mood. How spectacular, I thought. To look at words as magical and mysterious—to that extent that they surprise me everyday of the depths of sense they evoke in me. Isn’t it odd? That having too much passion also has its consequences? Like the abnormal sleeping habits, obnoxiously looking eyebags and having a mind that wanders all the time and one that could hardly focus at times? It’s absolutely weird but you know, I thank the heavens for it. Not everyone, especially in this day and age, has the courage to speak proudly yet in the most modest manner ever, about what he truly wants and what makes him tick. Of what he dreams of becoming one day and of what he’s really passionate about. And what’s even worse, is some of us don’t even know what we TRULY want to begin with. Thus, I decided to talk big of what makes me happy, of something I wouldn’t trade for gold, of something I have in me that no one have the capacity to steal. Now, what’s yours? What’s keeping you awake at 3am? Is it music? Is it art? Is the the girl of your dreams? Or is it the reveries you’re having of being Number One? What’s stopping you from embracing it? Fears? Is it that fear of judgment that kills the strength in your bones? Damn it, that’s already a thing in the past! We’re now in this time where all the resources and even sources of motivation are open and available to inspire us to pursue our calling. Hence I therefore challenge you to conquer your fears and do the reason why you wake up (even despite the lack of sleep) with a full smile on your face everyday and do it with so much fire and passion that people would think you’re too much or maybe even call you crazy—and it’s alright. Atleast you know what you want and you don’t fake it. People who fake it sometimes make it, but you know, it expires. Soon they will run out of energy pulling up the invisible strings in both edges of their lips just to show people they’re fine. But not You. Because YOU know exactly why you breathe and you know that one day you will seize whatever it is that keeps you awake. I encourage you to do what you want and do it with so much heart and I promise you, you will never run out of reasons to live. Be passionate. Stop boring yourself doing the things you don’t really like. Like what my mentor said before, there’s no such thing as “lukewarm”. There’s nothing in between. It’s either you go up or you go down. Stop jailing yourself in that little box. Go out there, do what you want, and discover what life has to offer en route to your dreams.

(Above photo is an original Digital Painting crafted beautifully by the best artist and boyfriend in the world 🧡)

23 Comments

  1. Words keep me awake too, usually too much on my mind but never about anything specific. Although a burning passion for something doesn’t seem to be there for me, keep going at yours though. This is inspiring.

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      1. It’ll be self publishing for a third time, I’m creating a series at the moment, I’ve got a page on the blog dedicated to advertising it. I’m planning a stand-alone which I’ll try with a publisher though. Didn’t you want to write a book? How’s pursuit of that dream coming along?

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      2. That’s great, Lucas! All the best with that. Send me a link where I can purchase your new book please. Been traveling and was too busy with work, didn’t have time to reply immediately. About my book, well, hopefully next year, we’ll see hehe 😉

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  2. A frightening post.

    Because I usually stay awake until 3 or 4 AM.

    It’s when I come up with most of my ideas for writing.

    It’s almost like you entered my mind and revealed my secrets.

    And considering the fact that I’ve been thinking and writing quite a lot about succubus and succubi lately, maybe you have. 😂😅

    Liked by 1 person

  3. First, cudos to the artist/boyfriend. The feature image is done well!

    I’m awake all hours of the night because of genetics. My mother and grandfather were the same way. As is most of my maternal family. But I work during those late hours because it’s the only time I have to not be interrupted or distracted by the rest of the world. On days when I’m not obligated to be out I nap in the afternoon.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Apologies for the super delayed response, Lloyd. Been away for some time and been quite busy with work so I overlooked your comment. Anyhow, thanks for appreciating the artwork. And thanks for sharing that! I didn’t know that genetics has something to do with being nocturnal. Interesting 🤓

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  4. Hi Apple! I don’t t know how I missed your post. I feel your dilemma deeply. It’s how my mind works too. I rarely get more than six hours of sleep even on weekends. My mind is always busy doing something creative. I even have those eyebags and dark circles. Why? Because words and visions captivate me, hold me prisoner until I’ve digested every nuance and detail. When I read other writers, I am absorbed into their story and no senses are left unengaged. It is all consuming at times and I have to take a break from time to time. Creativity doesn’t like schedules. It comes and goes as it pleases and we are there to harness its power at whatever time is available. And yes, I would love to sleep more and think less but that day will come with age so for now, I indulge my mind in all it’s positive obsessions with words, music, art, architecture, and science. Love the digital art. It’s so expressive of the moment it became an object of art. A frozen reflective moment of you. A wonderful post that connects with many of us creatives and our busy mindscape.

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    1. Daniel. Thank you for feeling me and my words. It’s draining, no? The idea of reading something, taking it in, feeling and imagining it, and creating a real world in your head that keep you awake 😳😵 Oh well… Atleast we don’t miss out the best things in life because we’re awake for the most part lol but yea it’s fulfilling 💕 My obsession for the too-much-thinking process hurts but I’m grateful for it. And I am more grateful to hear from you. I do visit your site from time to time to check if you have some new posts because I miss Alexandra hihi, but no rush. I know you’re busy with work too. Stay amazing, Hyp. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is a double edged sword. Sometimes, I have to tell my head elves to shut up and give me a rest. That’s why I like hiking so much. My mind is generally quiet as I take in the beauty of nature. On the other side, my career has been exceptional because of the detail and hard work I put into every project. I’m usually very successful and have literally brought technologies and solutions to the world that will change our way of life in good ways and never just predicated on a profit statement but truly benevolent science. I could never have done that with a quiet and easy going set of head elves. Nope, those boys are noisy as heck in there. So, tho it drives me to be as good as I can be, it also comes with a penalty. LoL, like you said, we have a longer life because more of it is spent with our eyes open. As an example, Alexandra speaks to me often and nearly the entire story has gone through my mind in great detail. I just have to try to find a way to turn the movie inside my head into words, those beautiful and captivating words that hold me spellbound in waking dreams. I winder if all this is why my friends insist I’m a bit “eccentric.” 🤪

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  5. Haha woow apple this post is one I think every writer will be able to related with. Especially where you started: “Words keep me awake. They always ruin my ultimate goal to create a normal sleeping habit of sleep-early, wake-up-early kind of thing. ” What makes me laugh is that it:’s 1:30 am here and I promised myself that I’ll be sleeping early today but I have to write. 😂😂 Fantastic.

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  6. Words as a symphony of letters that keep me wide awake most of the nights. I can totally relate. And just wow – you have found yourself an amazing boyfriend.

    Liked by 1 person

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