Why this action of inaction is killing me while making me feel alive, ironically.

For those people who know me personally, you know exactly how much of an optimist and an idealist I am and how i love looking at the brighter side of things, because we should always be positive amidst the crisis, right? This time, however, I’d like to be completely honest. Recently, I was feeling down—sad, anxious and just not okay. Thus, the isolation. The detaching. The not-replying. The disconnecting.

I have all the time to listen closely to my thoughts and feelings but i was resisting it. I hated feeling what I was feeling because I thought I should be strong, eh? But hell, I’m not. I’m just human. A human being, not a “human doing” who’s tricked that you should always be doing things in order to be good, to be accepted, to be… human. But fact of the matter is, we are supposed to feel, all sorts of emotions (including those we label as bad), and that we are given this uncomfortable time to sit with it because no matter how much we avoid these unwanted emotions by distracting ourselves with Netflix and games and whatnot, we know, that it’s there. And gaahh, it’s killing me. But ironically, it also makes me feel alive—and let me tell you why.

Now that we’re approaching the so-called “Age of Aquarius” where everything spiritual is heightened, this is creating a holistic discomfort in all of us, worldwide. And I don’t mean that in a drama way. I mean, whatever is happening in the world right now is quite different, don’t you think? Hence, my point being is this: if you feel like dying without really approaching real death, that means you’re living. Okay, that’s quite esoteric but i hope you get what i mean.

Stepping into my highly philosophical self, i feel that everything that’s happening globally (that affects us on a personal level) is meant to happen, is meant to make us feel anxious, depressed, lonely and that it’s gonna be magnified even more because this is no longer the time of doing things the same old way. This is the time we break those old patterns that are no longer serving us well. Time to reflect on who you are in this world and how you can change for the better. Time to focus on your beingness. Time to convert mundane activities to purposeful ones. Time to create deeper connections than skin-deep ones. And most importantly, time to have faith, more than ever.

I hate admitting to people that I’m not okay. For reasons that i know everyone feels it too one way or another and that I don’t wanna burden those people around me and that they might think i have all the reasons to be grateful for and all that shit. But choosing to be vulnerable isn’t really a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that no matter who you think you are in this world, despite your worldly accomplishments and possessions, you are allowed to not be okay. Sit with it, journal it, listen and don’t ignore. Feel the pain until there’s nothing left. Everything falls into an equilibrium, anyway. Ah, my favorite word. And let me end this by saying something corny like, “We got this, humans!!!”


  1. I read your comment Age of Aquarius with some trepidation.

    But that’s because I spent most of my life researching those pioneers who are behind the phrase Age of Aquarius.

    And my research is too long to expostulate here without turning this comment into a 3000 word essay.

    But the Age of Aquarius is the Age of Antichrist – a pseudo-millenial kingdom impersonating the Reign of Christ (that will arise after his Second Coming).

    When Pope Francis brought the satanic idol of Pachamama into the Vatican Gardens on October 4th of last year, I felt at the time that a huge pandemic was soon going to hit the world as a result of God withdrawing his divine protection from the world as the result of the man who is supposed to be Christ’s Vicar engaging in such an act of blasphemy and abomination of desolation.

    Little did I realize how quickly that pandemic would soon fall upon the world.

    Hitler wanted to create the Ubermensch in his Third Reich that emerged following the chaos of World War I.

    Now the New Age inclined global elitists have wanted to bring forth the Homo Noeticus (so-called New Man) whom those of a more Darwinistic materialistic and scientific technocracy oriented bent have dubbed the Transhuman.

    Theyll probably use this pandemic to do just that.

    But the source is the same- Satan.

    In these times, ask God the Father, Christ and the Virgin Mary for help.

    The so-called Age of Aquarius is the reign of Satan on earth.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I would have to agree with you. While I am not Catholic ( I’m independent apostolic) I see the so called new age as the same old lie that’s repackaged.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Very true.

        Many years ago I was Director of Research for the Alberta Cult Awareness Network (back in the days before the National Cult Awareness Network in the U.S. – due to bankruptcy in legal challenges by Scientology – was itself bought out by the Church of Scientology) and that’s when I first started studying the New Age and its origins – and found out that the terms Age of Aquarius and Aquarian Age were in fact New Age terms.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Apple Rae says:

      Hi Chris, thank you for this comment. Really appreciate your insights, and i do agree with you. Hence, people’s faith is now being tested, and that’s what i meant when i say everything spiritual is heightened. Nothing to fear for those who have unwavering faith like us. To be aware of what’s going on and to be conscious of the messages of the universe is the reason why i mentioned it. Still researching more about it tho 😅

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, Apple, there is a lot of information out there.

        And you’re right- nothing to fear. 😅

        Liked by 1 person

    3. Apple Rae says:

      I pray for your safety, Chris. Missed your voice here in my blog hehe

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your prayers, Apple. ❤

        I’m praying for your safety as well. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Bravery is not the absence of fear but the resolve to push forward in spite of fear. To acknowledge that something is concerning is the beginning of a plan to deal with the danger. Out of all the crazy things to be in short supply in America it’s the simple, mundane toilet paper that people are hoarding. Not food or medical supplies but toilet paper. As if a well stocked water closet was some magic talisman to keep sicknesses from coming into the home. But this is because people have the fear without the resolve or the knowledge to care for their basic needs. But you are not like them. I saw the resolve in your eyes when you posted your Muay Thai video last year. I have seen your intelligence in your writing. I have every faith that you will be able to care for yourself and those you care about. 😊❤😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Apple Rae says:

      Aw. I agree with you!!

      Your message lifts my spirits up. Thank you so much Lloyd for your light. I pray for your safety 🙏🏻 please take good care of yourself ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I will and you take care as well. My day job just set me up for WFH so other than a minor supply run here and there I have no reason to leave my mountain.


  3. Wise Hearted says:

    One phrase that always runs through my mind when trials hit, global or personal is, “don’t waste it.” I am a little down too, due a huge change coming in our life not due to the virus issue. We will be moving again soon to one of our options. The options do not depress me, it’s the move and re-settling, my age and health in doing all this. Years ago a move would not depress me, I would just jump in and get busy and do it with just a little over re-action to the move. The affects of the move and re-action always left. Another of my favorite phrase is, “this too shall pass.” Looking back at all the moves, somewhere between 32-35, I regret none, each one maturing me, bringing new friends, growing me into a wise hearted women. Then, aging hit, real aging, not 20 to 25 but 70-73. I wrote a post on this recently because I hate aging, age living with limitation and aging is a big one that I have no control over. I am telling you all this because I think you are on the right thinking about this time of life despite ones age…This is God’s day, God’s time, so, it’s our time. Time to not waste it and being down, depressed, what ever is part of time. There is no heaven here, oh, once in a while we get a glimpse of it but it’s only a tiny glimpse and it has to come from God because earth hold in our human minds is so strong. He has told us clearly, in this world we will have trouble. A troubled mind can be the best growing place. A troubled world is where God has placed us and here we will either bloom as they say or wilt. I wilt a lot but with the right kind of watering, for me it’s the promises of God, His Word, His music, His thinking, not mine waters my soul and then I can see what it is I am suppose to learn about Him, myself, others. Thanks for sharing your journey, I love the way you write, glad you are not afraid of being honest, being real. All of that makes me wish I could meet you face to face. Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. George F. says:

    Glad you see you here Apple. You’ve stimulated quite the response from Chris, and I’m taking notes. I can’t imagine you being sad, with your blogging, martial arts and how you keep yourself so busy and beautiful…but, like you said, you are human after all. Keep sharing us your innermost, Apple. You have an audience.

    Liked by 1 person

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