The Spirit of the Untethered Horse

Over the past ten years, I’ve been chasing after something. Moving in a direction of “always doing” and achieving a particular goal to prove and make believe. It was a fun ride, if I’m honest. But, it was never easy. Many times I’ve tripped over my own clumsiness, due to my fast-paced nature that knows no boundaries. It was painful and terrifying that eventually took a huge toll on me. Nonetheless, I never regret any of it. I’ve learned so much by getting hurt and allowing others to hurt me. I developed certain forms of trauma that I created on my own and prescribed myself a high dosage of numbness through a destructive behavior that made things worse. In other words, I embraced all of my darkness by falling into and upon it, by seeing pain in all of its glory right in front of my very eyes.

My eyes, yes, my eyes. My eyes have seen it all. At least, at first this is what I thought. But all these years of fast-moving approach, like the spirit of the untethered horse inside me, I missed so much around me thinking that there’s only one way and no other. I was highly focused on moving forward in a direction unbeknownst to me. All I know was that I need to keep heading towards north, not knowing what North truly means. And when I did, I reached that high level of exhaustion, and figured that it’s not what I was looking for. I got drained, tedious and lost touch with my own zest.

Reaching the peak of it, I decided to free-fall. Not fearing death but acknowledging that it’s possible. I didn’t know why I wanted to jump high and fall back onto the ground but a whisper told me it was safe to do so. I trusted in that voice that lasted for a mere three seconds. I trusted but it failed me. I got hurt. I mean, who wouldn’t get hurt if you fall from the peak of the Northern Mountain? It was, unbelievably excruciating. I cried a ton but the pain didn’t go away. I wanted to cry for help too, but afraid that no one would hear me. The only choice I’m left with was to take the time to heal by staying on the ground and tethering myself at a nearby home. The voice told me to jump but it didn’t mention it’s going to be painful, not to mention, a long process of healing needs to happen so I can move the way I do before. I was a fool, to think of this, I know. And although I didn’t die, I felt as if I was dying everyday. I hated what I saw in the mirror when I checked all the bruises and wounds that the fall gave me. I blamed myself for trusting the voice and allowing myself to go back to ground zero. There was a bunch of shame, guilt and anger that I entertained while I was hiding. I didn’t want people to see how disgusting I’ve become. I stayed and I stayed, and stayed a bit more, down here, longer than I expected. Over time, an epiphany dawned on me. The most beautiful things I missed while I was running like a free horse aiming for goals, were all around me. They’ve been around me for so long that I never had the chance to even see it. I was blind, therefore.

My eyes, yes, my eyes. My eyes thought they’ve seen it all. If I didn’t make the free-fall, I might regret staying blind for the entire duration of my human experience. Moreover, the voice that whispered to me to take the fall guided me to finally see and freed me from the shackles of obscurity. Like I mentioned, I never regret any of it, no matter how painful, no matter how absurd. It was a decision I made out of trust and faith into nature, faith unto a Higher Being who knows the best path to take. I’m now taking the path down here, where all the flowers bloom, with its people whose smiles on their faces make my day. I am walking slowly this time, so I don’t get to stumble often and for me not to miss the beauty of Gaia. I am journeying in the present, laying down my bow and arrow, targeting no specific goal to reach, no mountains to conquer. Slowing down, breathing in, cultivating the gift of the now.

20 Comments

  1. I love how authentic this feels when I read it. It is like a poetic confession that brings to mind an epic journey of the soul. Like most journeys the pain and discomfort are constant companions until some enthralling scene is revealed that captivates and nourishes the imagination and recharges the weary soul. And in those moments of bliss inbetween, the Hero’s journey takes on a special meaning and desire to continue becomes an enlightenment. Beautifully done.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. No fear bro! I’m still able to lurk around and make nonsensical comments. Later, the Dragons will surely bring forth new esoteric nonsense and we’ll all be grokkin’ and a rockin’ again.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Not sure if you had Covid but certainly hope you’ve recovered. I’ve been meditating on my motivation to write…like an actor studying his character…’what’s the motivation?’ and have concluded that the writing, the creative act, is an end unto itself. I don’t have to ‘do’ anything with it. This thought frees me up to simply be…I’m not writing to please an editor or audience that exists solely in my mind or that is merely a projection of my ego.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. That is a good approach and I highly recommend it. This is my thought process as well. My writing gave me a creative outlet and I made some great friends in the process. I never had anything close to a popular blog where scads of adoring fans could let loose their imagination. I did develop a way to structure my ideas and just let my vision of the story follow it’s natural path. If anyone read it and liked it, that was an enjoyable bonus. I did get the covid. My youngest brought it home and we all joined the party. I wasn’t that sick but the after covid turned into long covid and I struggled with it. That stopped my writing engine. Now I am renovating my home at it takes all my brain power and energy. It also sends me to the chiropractor and message therapist to unlock all the knots from moving tons of stuff all day every day. It’s a process and it will end, then I can go back to being my usual politically incorrect jackass self. But in the mean time, follow that thought you have and keep me unundated with awesome tales of the nanites.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Woa, Hype…you fought the Covid and won! I can imagine you feel drained! When one is healthy and writing, (at least for me) I didn’t realize how much energy it actually takes to write! When you’re sick, it’s too much effort! In fact, most things are too much effort when you’re not healthy! Get well, and keep your eye peeled for more nanite developments! I’ll keep my eyes peeled for Dragons as a sign of your good health!

        And massage therapy is an entire different conversation. Yep.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Yep, I realized we have the biggest threat from friends and family more than strangers. I developed a lot of minor problems with cardio-pulmonary inflammation. Was scheduled for heart surgery but they decided to let me see if I could work through it on my own. So far things are improving enough for me to be grateful and keep on kicking my style down the road.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I’m such a hard head. I bet I go hiking two days after I die just because I’m too stubborn to admit I’m dead. I’ll keep on a keeping on until some clown puts me in a box six feet under.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. You saw it? Wow. You are gifted. I love it when someone can read between the lines and feel the energy and emotions portrayed in each story. You are brilliant, as always, Chris! 😎🤩

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Somehow I could relate to this post. Especially the part “letting others hurt me”. Great post and hope you are doing fine

    Like

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