My name is Apple Rae. A dreamy-eyed Idealist. A passionate writer. A promoter of love in all of its forms. An INFP whose passion for meanings, symbolisms and philosophy align perfectly with the love for poetry and art. Curious about everything—mostly about people and culture; life and death; astrology and consciousness; brain and science; music and video editing and ofcourse, love and dreams. I have a reaaaalllly wide interest but it all boils down to one thing: ART. The art of diving deep into all of these things that fascinate me and being in the flow of creation—with freedom, with ease, with authenticity.
Deep dive into my soul as you read my words and allow them to penetrate yours by feeling every emotion i have enveloped in them. Discover something about YOU as you find yourself energetically drawn to my light, to my meanings that only you can decode. 😉
Have an inspired tour in my website! Cheers 🥂
It eats me, whole and alive. The underlying current of resistance. The stubbornness I could never hide. The rhythm of which is diabolic in nature—forcing me to struggle profoundly, before I could really learn the flow of its tune; the right notes, the perfect configuration.
It suffocates me, all of me. The scorching heat of ground pressure. The freezing coldness of the judgment I give to me. I push. I push hard. Understanding that my limits are high. I, in most cases, can’t measure this right. I ran out of breath. An image where I start to fear Death.
It liberates me, the child in me. The part where I can do whatever I want. Oblivious of the eyes of the guardians. Hmm. Fine—intently doing so and partly playing the game of a stubborn child. What’s in it for you, she asked. Playing, for the sake of playing the game, I replied.
It honors me, the fighter in me. It contributes to the never-ending loop of proving. To show off to me, in fact. I don’t need no audience nowadays, I reckon. The relationship I am trying to strengthen now is with the one I see in the mirror. Could sound narcissistic in nature, but one that prepares for the strong foundation of the tribe.
It reminds me, of my future. Of purpose—of what I’m here to do and what I signed up for. Of the unbreakable soul contract. The destiny of the matriarch. Thus, the fighter fights. The fighter perseveres. The fighter stands back up as it was supposed to be. The fighter fights, over… and over again.
“I felt its warmth. Wrapped around me like a cotton duvet of comfort and love. It was not assurance, nor certainty. It’s just.. knowing. Allowing the sensation to be felt. Allowing the colors in my head to prove its magic. Allowing every piece unfold in its own intelligence. A feeling of observing. Of not holding anything in. Of just, allowing. Opening up the gates. Receiving and believing. Coming up with ideas, expressing. And then writing—thru spaces in between, with no explaining. Clarity in the midst of complexity. No need for validation. No need for a guideline to follow. No need to restrict oneself with old rusty chains of death. No more. It’s ending.”
I worked out intensely a couple of days ago and my body still feels sore from it. My boyfriend told me that the culprit is this thing called “DOMS” (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness), and that this is normal. I believe it so. It’s not the first time it happened. But, something dawned on me as I whined about it while I massage my shoulders and arms using my usual Chinese ointment—I am feeling. I am feeling and I know it’s quite a normal thing, but I’m celebrating. I am feeling and I am connecting. There were times I craved to put the heater of my shower on max just so I can feel that sensation. That hurting. The subtle pins of torture, but ones that were satisfying. Could hardly explain why numbness occurs. Maybe it’s ‘cause of too much suffering that it kind of loses its own purpose. Or maybe your dosage kept on increasing, as your pain threshold stretches, like the strong caffeine in my coffee that now makes me sleepy. How ironic. Like when you experience an anxiety attack and its frequency multiplies, then you become numb, clueless, unconscious, unknown. A dark void. Dark poetry written out of confusion. Dark set of words being dictated, unaware of its source. What’s going on? I wanted to talk about my body and how happy I felt to feel again. But the dark side of me wanted to own the spotlight, again. I’m allowing, nonetheless. I’m allowing myself bathe in these shadows. Because, this is the only way I could feel. The only way I could let light in.
I say, jump and be embraced by the depths of your darkness. Fear not, for it is fleeting. Feel your skin as if you are your skin. It’s funny how my connection to my body mirrors my slow internet connection here at home. Every time I play my favorite FPS game Valorant that requires a low ping, it disconnects, then I had to restart, then it connects again. The cycle repeats. I need an upgrade. Both my Wi-Fi and myself. Would I also pay a higher price when I upgrade myself? Maybe. Or maybe not. But most likely. The point is, sometimes I am connected, sometimes I’m not. It’s more volatile than the fluctuations of the crypto market. I’m allowing, nonetheless. The meditation helps. But the inconsistency doesn’t. Often times during meditation I ask myself if I’m doing it right. Or I debate with my own inner dialogue that questions the idea of my feet touching the ground when I’m living at a high floor and the ground is way below me. It’s insane. The voice would say just observe and yes I’m trying. I’m getting there. At least, that’s what I think. A wise friend of mine suggested a book called Awareness by Osho which helped me exercise observing my thoughts. I haven’t finished it though but it’s cut-throat with a straightforward punch. I like it.
And this is what I like about my allowing. I allow myself to tell stories completely irrelevant to the previous points and find my way to its connection to one another. There are some dots that do connect in here though, don’t you think? Nevertheless, I enjoyed releasing what this complex mind has to say today. And I’m glad I get to share it with you. I write everyday but I don’t like posting everything publicly here. But today it’s different. I am being called to post something here in my blog. Again, I’m just allowing. I don’t know why I wanted to talk to you today. It’s just, freeing for me to do so. If you reach the end of this nonsensical and complex maze of thoughts, thank you. Maybe it’s about time you do this too. Like having no solid plan of what to write, what to create; what to accomplish. And completely unattached to its results. Just allowing your fingers do its role, as it becomes the Executive Assistant of the CEO in your brain, and heart (if you write from the heart too). I’m writing, in the now. With no attachment of whether or not it’s grammatically aligned. The heart knows no rules. And in this piece of writing, my heart is the one who allowed me to be in this state of, you know it, allowing. I think my babbling have to stop here. That single-word title have already proven its point. Contradicting an old belief structure of having clear goals to hit. I do think that I enjoy more when I am not expecting to accomplish a particular result I picture in my head. I love it better that I don’t aim to be perfect nor the best. It’s fun to observe the process takes place naturally and to feel that sense of fulfilment, every step of the way.
Would you call it a waste of time? If one travels the same path with another, and found a dead end but kept on trying, otherwise? Would you regret the times spent in stagnation even though filled with illussion and obsession—but one that was felt in its highs and lows with purity, innocence and undivided attention? Would you sigh a sigh of grief or would it be relief, after realizing there’s no more way out or even in; or would you contemplate upon the art of releasing with ease and complete surrendering? How does one learn anyway, other than breaking? Breaking of hearts, building of spirit. How it intersects, i have no inkling.Which one weighs heavier—totally confusing.
Would you dare to start again, when you’ve already reached the ending?
Over the past ten years, I’ve been chasing after something. Moving in a direction of “always doing” and achieving a particular goal to prove and make believe. It was a fun ride, if I’m honest. But, it was never easy. Many times I’ve tripped over my own clumsiness, due to my fast-paced nature that knows no boundaries. It was painful and terrifying that eventually took a huge toll on me. Nonetheless, I never regret any of it. I’ve learned so much by getting hurt and allowing others to hurt me. I developed certain forms of trauma that I created on my own and prescribed myself a high dosage of numbness through a destructive behavior that made things worse. In other words, I embraced all of my darkness by falling into and upon it, by seeing pain in all of its glory right in front of my very eyes.
My eyes, yes, my eyes. My eyes have seen it all. At least, at first this is what I thought. But all these years of fast-moving approach, like the spirit of the untethered horse inside me, I missed so much around me thinking that there’s only one way and no other. I was highly focused on moving forward in a direction unbeknownst to me. All I know was that I need to keep heading towards north, not knowing what North truly means. And when I did, I reached that high level of exhaustion, and figured that it’s not what I was looking for. I got drained, tedious and lost touch with my own zest.
Reaching the peak of it, I decided to free-fall. Not fearing death but acknowledging that it’s possible. I didn’t know why I wanted to jump high and fall back onto the ground but a whisper told me it was safe to do so. I trusted in that voice that lasted for a mere three seconds. I trusted but it failed me. I got hurt. I mean, who wouldn’t get hurt if you fall from the peak of the Northern Mountain? It was, unbelievably excruciating. I cried a ton but the pain didn’t go away. I wanted to cry for help too, but afraid that no one would hear me. The only choice I’m left with was to take the time to heal by staying on the ground and tethering myself at a nearby home. The voice told me to jump but it didn’t mention it’s going to be painful, not to mention, a long process of healing needs to happen so I can move the way I do before. I was a fool, to think of this, I know. And although I didn’t die, I felt as if I was dying everyday. I hated what I saw in the mirror when I checked all the bruises and wounds that the fall gave me. I blamed myself for trusting the voice and allowing myself to go back to ground zero. There was a bunch of shame, guilt and anger that I entertained while I was hiding. I didn’t want people to see how disgusting I’ve become. I stayed and I stayed, and stayed a bit more, down here, longer than I expected. Over time, an epiphany dawned on me. The most beautiful things I missed while I was running like a free horse aiming for goals, were all around me. They’ve been around me for so long that I never had the chance to even see it. I was blind, therefore.
My eyes, yes, my eyes. My eyes thought they’ve seen it all. If I didn’t make the free-fall, I might regret staying blind for the entire duration of my human experience. Moreover, the voice that whispered to me to take the fall guided me to finally see and freed me from the shackles of obscurity. Like I mentioned, I never regret any of it, no matter how painful, no matter how absurd. It was a decision I made out of trust and faith into nature, faith unto a Higher Being who knows the best path to take. I’m now taking the path down here, where all the flowers bloom, with its people whose smiles on their faces make my day. I am walking slowly this time, so I don’t get to stumble often and for me not to miss the beauty of Gaia. I am journeying in the present, laying down my bow and arrow, targeting no specific goal to reach, no mountains to conquer. Slowing down, breathing in, cultivating the gift of the now.
Too much. Too much of it. Sometimes i feel like I’m going insane. For questioning— the how i feel quite intensely with no proper reasoning. How the outsides quickly mirror the insides, how the dreams manifest in real life, how the symbols contradict only to synchronize in time; and how you never seek for signs but have them knock on your door way too many times.
How you sometimes deny the magic and the fire as it burns you to death and to be rebirthed with its own light. Dying and living—and a loop that is never-ending. The crying to bed at night and the waking up with swollen eyes that feel its aftermath. No, I don’t see it. I don’t see why. But i was given two sides of the coin of life. The duality of which, i have to master in time.
No, i don’t see it. I don’t even get it. But i was given this depth of feels to be felt, and maybe not yet to understand the sudden body signals, the splenic insights, and the ancient whispers of light. No I don’t see it. But the eyes that feel and the body that aches, has always been right.
If you’ve been craving to find meaning and understand yourself more, this video is for you. Knowing who I truly am is something I’ve struggled to understand for years, and coming out of that confusion has set me free and finally, I have put to words my contemplation around self-mastery thru this 8 min video of my own story of awakening. However, I intentionally made it short and metaphorical to not reveal all at once 😉
Apple Rae 