A surreal win

Why am I here?

Why did I decide to be alone when the wind and the trees and the moon wants to come along?

They were here to be of help—so i can somehow breathe and witness a ray of light.

But I don’t want them in this fight.

My body craves for the full bloom of darkness inside.

You know why I like to endure this moment of total black?

So I get to teach myself to never fear the dark.

To feel each sting the sharp objects bring,

to embrace the pain that in my bones have remained.

I never hated the idea of hurting,

’cause they push me to be growing

to a woman of strength, I’m becoming..

a woman of resilience and grit.

I need to be all by myself—

so I get to converse with them voices within,

to understand the purpose of this storm I’m in,

not bothering no one, not confiding to a friend.

Because in times like this,

I need to crack a code to surpass the test.

And I’m supposed to find that code,

by marrying myself with this sword—

a weapon I can use to “unfear” the unknown,

to destroy the naysayer’s voice,

to never stop believin’ in my soul.

Why am I here?

Because life sometimes sucks yet I have to take it all in.

It’s for the better, it’s a surreal win.

(digital painting credit to the best artist in the world, Arvy)

5 lessons everyone should learn about LOVE

Love is my favourite. When i hear this word, I can hear his voice. When people talk happily about it, I see his smile. When people blame love for being miserable, it makes me question the real purpose of it, whilst imagining his enraged face due to our inevitable fights.

Love is so powerful it can make you the happiest and the saddest person at the same time. This paradox is a cliché, but only those who have experienced this 2-in-1 effect of love can only testify how ironically twisted love is.

Love is showing me these facets right now. Love makes me indefinably overjoyed, but recently it was shattering all pieces of me, including my state of mind, my weakened soul and my whole vulnerable self. I initially thought love only exacerbates the pain caused by a single person or situation but then I realized that love is only teaching me lessons. For me to grow, not only as a person but most significantly as a partner.

I have failed in love too many times it really sucks. I even thought once about abandoning love forever, but I couldn’t seem to do it. Love lies in the deepest layer of my bones I wouldn’t be able to just let it go. In spite of failing at it too many times, I still believe that once I have reached that level of maturity, applying all the lessons love has taught me the hard way, I would succeed in it. They say the most powerful advice comes from those who have been there, done that, felt it, suffered at it and eventually survived it. Hence, I will share to you the lessons love has taught me, despite the fact that love is not my expertise.

1. Love is not easily angered

Being a short-tempered woman that I am, it is quite a challenge for me to stay calm during fights, whether it’s minor or a major one, I couldn’t help myself but talk recklessly, resulting to a more serious damage. We should understand that we should not be easily angered under any circumstances and learn how to talk it out in the most serene way possible. Take a deep breath, hold your partner’s hand, and think thoroughly before you say something. Hurtful words will only aggravate the situation so be careful at what anger is forcing you to say.

2. Let love win over your ego

We had a fight recently and my egotistic self was too proud that I waited for almost a week before I spoke to him. I didn’t want to message first thinking it wasn’t my fault, but the repercussion of not following what love has been telling me to do (which is to talk to him) has made me the most miserable person on earth. Don’t let your ego eat you up, it will make you sick, it will never make you happy. Call your partner now and don’t prolong the agony you are creating for postponing the proper communication you should have done to fix things. In love, sometimes it doesn’t matter who the real culprit in the battle is, what matters most is how you end the war of love by apologizing and acknowledging the cause of it and letting love win just because love always wins.

3. Love is never selfish

When you’re the type of person who loves and gives too much (like I), you have this unavoidable tendency to feel tired especially if you think your partner is not putting in the same effort. This is normal because we WANT to receive love in return, don’t we? I mean, let’s not be hypocrites on this aspect, because I sure know you also crave to be loved just as much as the amount of love you can give to your partner. But what if it’s not identical? Should we find someone else that could give us what we want? Hell no. True love is not like that. Never ever count how much effort you are exerting in the relationship because love is never selfish. Do not accuse your partner of not helping you make things work because…

4. Love is spoken in different languages

It is purely true that each and everyone of us have different love languages thus we also perceive it in such a unique way. The way you show love may be totally distinct from the way your partner does it. Hence, you should never be disappointed if the love you can give is not given to you in the same form. Assess yourself to identify your love language and make sure you also ask your partner of his. Communicate it with him/her so you can manage your expectations and never get disappointed in the end.

5. Love is all we need

I don’t know about you, but this is what’s keeping me alive. My life has massively changed when I began to know Love. I don’t need no drugs nor alcohol to make me high, because love already does it to me everyday of my life. If you know how to love someone, you are lucky. It’s a privilege because I know some people who can’t even manage to love themselves, hence they couldn’t give it out to someone else. And if you are loved, you are blessed. Be grateful about it because not everyone can receive it. Love is all we need in this mundane world we’re in.

The lessons I have learned will stick within me as a reminder of the real power of love. Love is too strong no one can really break its purpose. Love is our fuel to get going. Without love, we have no reason to go on with our life. Love is an intangible gift from God. The best things in life are unseen just like when God speaks to us and when we close our eyes to kiss. Give love and choose love, always.

 

(Photo credit to the owner)

How are you?

You’re not okay.

Yet you kept on fooling yourself that you are.

You fake that smile without knowing your eyes show nothing but pure sorrow.

You’re in denial of it, because you don’t want people to know you’re in the brink of falling.

You post that selfie in social media to let your followers know that you’re okay.

But little did they know that behind that filter, your naked face apparently shows that you’re on the process of healing.

It’s not even a scar yet.

It’s a fresh wound, it’s still bleeding.

Due to that heartbreak,

due to that love that’s unrequited,

due to the dream that seems so far away,

due to that person who caused you pain,

due to the quarter life or mid life crisis you’re experiencing,

due to being unhappy with your job,

due to not knowing what you want,

due to the envy you feel towards others,

due to the depression you’re going through right now

It’s torturing you but when someone asked you a how-are-you, you always answer them with the I’m-okay lie.

You’re not okay and you even thought about leaving the town or your country and start anew elsewhere.

Didn’t you?

But you didn’t know where to start and you don’t even have the courage to commence a plan of escape.

To escape from reality, from the inevitable adult problems that is so hard to get rif off.

But hey, listen to me.

Why don’t you acknowledge the fact that you’re depressed about something?

Embrace the fact that your skin is wounded upto the deepest layer of your soul.

You are bound to get hurt—whether you like it or not.

Feel it with every nerve you’ve got so you get to know better the kind of pain you’re going through.

Once you find the root of it, pull it out like weeds that need to get cut off, so it won’t fester in other parts of you.

Because you are beautiful and a one single cause of being not okay should never define you.

This time, I hope you learn how to confide in your best friend or whoever it is that you fully trust, be vulnerable with them and share them your inner thoughts, tell them the truth that you’re not okay.

Go to your room or to church or to your favorite place and cry it out loud, release all the tears your eyes are capable of bursting.

Or better yet, write it down. Everything.

You will see a massive change in you once you start being honest with yourself.

Remember, it’s okay to not be okay as long as you’re not in denial of it so you can find a solution for it.

You’re not okay today, but I promise you, as clichéd as it may seem, this too shall pass.

(Photo credit to Pinterest)

Numbers don’t lie

“You can’t have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage work ethic.”

-Stephen C. Hogan

This line has been stuck in my head when the speaker from our meeting yesterday flashed this in her PowerPoint presentation. I decided to write about this idea to reiterate the value of Work Ethic, and how does it affect not only the digits in your bank account but most significantly the quality of life that you live.

I’m a huge believer of numbers. Being in sales for nearly 7 years, I have relied on logical computation on achieving what I want. I’ve never enjoyed the idea of being a regular employee (that’s why I’ve never been one), wherein the paycheck depends on the hours you spend on your office and not by the amount of hard work you put in. At some point I find this idea a little unfair to those who work harder but gets the same salary as the ones who don’t. I have nothing against employees though, because I know some people who are happy to be one. This is speaking from my own experience, my own belief system that the idea of the Law of Averages has not only made me earn more than average at the age of 26, but also improved the quality of my life in general. It has polished in a way that I’ve developed a great work ethic that has now become a habit. Truth be told that I’m not normally the most skillful in the room, neither the most talented but I can confidently say that I can fill in those loop holes by working on my numbers. I prefer working hard over working smart, above all means.

Numbers, however, is truly not the sole component of success, but if you can master it, you’re on your way to achieving whatever it is that you want. It’s a formula that anyone can use regardless of how good you are at something. When you increase your numbers, whether in terms of the number of hours you spend on your career or on writing in your blog, or on studying something that interests you, you will see a massive and positive change on the results of it. If you double your effort, or at least do that extra 1%, the repercussion will mirror what you have exerted at a certain time only fate or God could tell. The fruits of your hardwork has their own perfect timing. If you’re working way above mediocre level today and not reaping the benefits yet, you have to instill in your mind that you must be patient. Patience is a virtue anyway, yes?

In addition to that, there is no way you you would ever miss a target if you religiously follow your hitrate. Hitrate is your personal ratio that is computed based on your skill level. As a Financial Wealth Adviser, my hit rate started at 10:1, that now has upgraded over the years to 3:1. This means that for me to be able to close a deal back then, I need to be able to present to 10 clients before I can get a successful YES. In terms of blogging, this post will be my 19th, with (only) 104 followers so far, on my 3rd week since I put this up. This means that for each daily post, I get to have roughly 5 followers, hence my hit rate on increasing the number of followers based on each published post is 1:5. Now I guess I have to write twice daily so I can have 10 new followers per day, hmm. What do you think? Hihi. 🙂

Anywho, numbers don’t lie. When you look at yourself and you’re not happy with where you are right now, odds are you didn’t apply a certain amount of work ethic for each of your goals. So let me end this post with how I started it—Your dream, that doesn’t necessarily have to be a million dollar, will be fulfilled if you add an amazing work ethic on your belief system and act on it whilst you can. Success is not a sprint after all that you have to acquire the speed of Usain Bolt just to get it. And you can’t use a shortcut to success in exchange for a short term happiness with a long term catastrophe. The idea is to enjoy the process on achieving it, heedless of the time, because the destination will surely be there at the end of the tunnel. Have fun in the process of working hard, learn from each hurdles along the way and soon enough you will reap all the benefits of your above average, multi-millionaire level of work ethic.

Prisoner of a faulty love

I enjoy staring at you when you’re oblivious of my presence. It’s but a chance for me to study your face, to memorize each move, to hear the voices within you—they keep on telling me to leave you, but I used to ignore all of them.

And then you’d catch me staring—hence you’d give me that wonted nonchalant smile, the kind that is inexplicably bizarre to me. A kind of smile I couldn’t correctly decode, a kind of smile I succumbed into, when it first showed up, in that park where I met you.

I enjoy looking at you despite the fact that you wouldn’t do it to me the way i do. I stare at you as if I won’t see you again—’cause I know mornings with you is vague and uncertain.

Then last night you said, I can’t leave her. I shouted at you, cussed you, hurt you. But you put an end to the war I created, using the same line you just said in the beginning of it—I can’t leave her.

Why can’t you?

I asked this to you, but no words came out of me. This query seemed so heavy, my strength is not enough to say them clearly. It’s outright lucid to me, that I am that girl you would go to, just when you’re feeling blue.

But today something’s telling me how wrong this is.

I know…

I am that girl who patiently waits for you but it’s getting tedious.

I am that girl who listens to you when no one else could, but now it’s suffocating.

I am that girl who loves you despite your blemishes, but now it’s making me sick.

I whined for the things you should have done, I craved for the words you should have said. I kept on believing there could be a change. But there’s none, guess I was insane.

I was insane—for I hoped one day you look at me the way I look at you. But now that I’m staring at you, your body seemed to be telling me that there’s no way you would ever do.

I wished that maybe one day you’ll make me first. But your heart seemed to be telling me—I only fit to number two.

Been looking at you for almost an hour now and you’re sleeping like a baby–you’re fully incognizant of what’s going on my mind, of my plan to escape.

Been couple of years since you jailed me in this house, it’s shaky already, it’s no longer enough for me.

I thought to myself, it’s time to leave, ’cause I have to live.

To live normally, to love conventionally, to find someone else who could make me his top priority.

I silently opened the drawer, picked up that old sepia colored piece of paper, wrote a five word message that said, “I deserve better than this.”

I put the note in our bed, at the side I usually slept in whenever he’s here.

I hurriedly packed my things, with no more thinking, no more hesitating.

I went to the door carrying a heart that’s crushing, trying to stop the tears from bursting, persuading my whole being to never look back again.

Before I could manage to close the door, before I reward myself of such freedom, I looked at him one last time.

In my head, I thanked him. I wouldn’t be able to know my worth if I didn’t let it melt with his hands, if I didn’t give my all to him.

I lost myself in the bed of this wrong love. I lost everything and that’s when I figured it’s time to flee.

Just like realizing one’s importance, not by its presence, but by the mere absence of it.

This is why you should write daily

It all started when I was around six years old. I used to write crappy stories in a piece of paper which I often fold horizontally into two so it could have like a cover where the title is shown with some ridiculously kiddie drawing below. Stories like the “princess and the mouse”, “the dog and cat who always fight” and a lot more funny titles to name. It was just a hobby, really. Until I learned how to create a diary where I would religiously share almost everything that happened in my life every single day. For 12 years now, I still maintain a journal with me- apart from this blog, just to share my thoughts and feelings daily. It was a hobby turned into a habit, a habit turned into zeal.

How do you feel everytime you get to write something? It makes you feel some sense of relief, right? Just like opening up to a friend, writing whatever it is in your mind will make you feel lighter. Whether you write for a living or it’s literally just a hobby, writing things down is very beneficial to you. I don’t know about you but each time I get to write something, there were positive signals being sent to my brain that’s pushing me to feel great. You don’t really have to be the best writer, neither your writing  has to be grammatically perfect nor it has rules that you have to abide. All you need to do is to be completely honest with yourself—understand your current state of mind whilst juggling words that would eventually create an idea.

If you feel happy today, write it down! If you experience some sort of pain and it bothers you, write it down! If you know something that you want other people to learn about, write it down and post it. Writing everything down is like having a voice without a sound but you know what? It ironically impacts the loudest.

According to dailyinfographic.com, when you are writing things down, you are stimulating a collection of cells in the base of your brain known as the Reticular Activating System. The RAS is the filter of all the information your brain needs to process and it gives more attention to what you are currently focusing on. The physical act of writing brings the information to the forefront and triggers your brain to pay close attention. Thus, writing things down help us remember more. They also believe that writing serves as a calming and meditative tool and has been identified as a helpful stress coping method.

It’s through writing that you will get to create a message that you never thought you’d be able to send. It doesn’t matter if as of today no one follows you neither if someone reads your content. The idea of writing is to initially do it for yourself. If you’re doing it to be of service to people or to reach a certain number of followers and not a lot of readers have heard you yet, don’t lose hope. Just friggin’ write every waking day of your life.

Don’t think about what other people’s judgment will be. As clichéd as it may seem, but just do it. Nevertheless, don’t mind the clichés experts say you need to avoid so that people would read your content. Keep on writing and do not stop. Don’t let overthinking ruin your chances of forming a bright idea. Treat your brain—get a pen and paper or a laptop or a even just your phone, NOW. Write them thoughts down to relieve that stress inside you and you will see a better version of yourself, after creating a habit of writing daily. Happy writing!