Prisoner of a faulty love

I enjoy staring at you when you’re oblivious of my presence. It’s but a chance for me to study your face, to memorize each move, to hear the voices within you—they keep on telling me to leave you, but I used to ignore all of them.

And then you’d catch me staring—hence you’d give me that wonted nonchalant smile, the kind that is inexplicably bizarre to me. A kind of smile I couldn’t correctly decode, a kind of smile I succumbed into, when it first showed up, in that park where I met you.

I enjoy looking at you despite the fact that you wouldn’t do it to me the way i do. I stare at you as if I won’t see you again—’cause I know mornings with you is vague and uncertain.

Then last night you said, I can’t leave her. I shouted at you, cussed you, hurt you. But you put an end to the war I created, using the same line you just said in the beginning of it—I can’t leave her.

Why can’t you?

I asked this to you, but no words came out of me. This query seemed so heavy, my strength is not enough to say them clearly. It’s outright lucid to me, that I am that girl you would go to, just when you’re feeling blue.

But today something’s telling me how wrong this is.

I know…

I am that girl who patiently waits for you but it’s getting tedious.

I am that girl who listens to you when no one else could, but now it’s suffocating.

I am that girl who loves you despite your blemishes, but now it’s making me sick.

I whined for the things you should have done, I craved for the words you should have said. I kept on believing there could be a change. But there’s none, guess I was insane.

I was insane—for I hoped one day you look at me the way I look at you. But now that I’m staring at you, your body seemed to be telling me that there’s no way you would ever do.

I wished that maybe one day you’ll make me first. But your heart seemed to be telling me—I only fit to number two.

Been looking at you for almost an hour now and you’re sleeping like a baby–you’re fully incognizant of what’s going on my mind, of my plan to escape.

Been couple of years since you jailed me in this house, it’s shaky already, it’s no longer enough for me.

I thought to myself, it’s time to leave, ’cause I have to live.

To live normally, to love conventionally, to find someone else who could make me his top priority.

I silently opened the drawer, picked up that old sepia colored piece of paper, wrote a five word message that said, “I deserve better than this.”

I put the note in our bed, at the side I usually slept in whenever he’s here.

I hurriedly packed my things, with no more thinking, no more hesitating.

I went to the door carrying a heart that’s crushing, trying to stop the tears from bursting, persuading my whole being to never look back again.

Before I could manage to close the door, before I reward myself of such freedom, I looked at him one last time.

In my head, I thanked him. I wouldn’t be able to know my worth if I didn’t let it melt with his hands, if I didn’t give my all to him.

I lost myself in the bed of this wrong love. I lost everything and that’s when I figured it’s time to flee.

Just like realizing one’s importance, not by its presence, but by the mere absence of it.

This is why you should write daily

It all started when I was around six years old. I used to write crappy stories in a piece of paper which I often fold horizontally into two so it could have like a cover where the title is shown with some ridiculously kiddie drawing below. Stories like the “princess and the mouse”, “the dog and cat who always fight” and a lot more funny titles to name. It was just a hobby, really. Until I learned how to create a diary where I would religiously share almost everything that happened in my life every single day. For 12 years now, I still maintain a journal with me- apart from this blog, just to share my thoughts and feelings daily. It was a hobby turned into a habit, a habit turned into zeal.

How do you feel everytime you get to write something? It makes you feel some sense of relief, right? Just like opening up to a friend, writing whatever it is in your mind will make you feel lighter. Whether you write for a living or it’s literally just a hobby, writing things down is very beneficial to you. I don’t know about you but each time I get to write something, there were positive signals being sent to my brain that’s pushing me to feel great. You don’t really have to be the best writer, neither your writing  has to be grammatically perfect nor it has rules that you have to abide. All you need to do is to be completely honest with yourself—understand your current state of mind whilst juggling words that would eventually create an idea.

If you feel happy today, write it down! If you experience some sort of pain and it bothers you, write it down! If you know something that you want other people to learn about, write it down and post it. Writing everything down is like having a voice without a sound but you know what? It ironically impacts the loudest.

According to dailyinfographic.com, when you are writing things down, you are stimulating a collection of cells in the base of your brain known as the Reticular Activating System. The RAS is the filter of all the information your brain needs to process and it gives more attention to what you are currently focusing on. The physical act of writing brings the information to the forefront and triggers your brain to pay close attention. Thus, writing things down help us remember more. They also believe that writing serves as a calming and meditative tool and has been identified as a helpful stress coping method.

It’s through writing that you will get to create a message that you never thought you’d be able to send. It doesn’t matter if as of today no one follows you neither if someone reads your content. The idea of writing is to initially do it for yourself. If you’re doing it to be of service to people or to reach a certain number of followers and not a lot of readers have heard you yet, don’t lose hope. Just friggin’ write every waking day of your life.

Don’t think about what other people’s judgment will be. As clichéd as it may seem, but just do it. Nevertheless, don’t mind the clichés experts say you need to avoid so that people would read your content. Keep on writing and do not stop. Don’t let overthinking ruin your chances of forming a bright idea. Treat your brain—get a pen and paper or a laptop or a even just your phone, NOW. Write them thoughts down to relieve that stress inside you and you will see a better version of yourself, after creating a habit of writing daily. Happy writing!

Love is a paradox

You make me feel safe everytime my skin gets touched by you.

Paradoxically however, you can also make me feel scared about what the future might bring.

We both know how crazy we became—from the time our eyes locked, we became insane.

Oblivious of the real world, unaware of the odds despite its sheer clarity.

It’s just so vivid to me—that we can’t be together tomorrow, that today is our last day.

That there really should be no happy in an ending. Because there’s no such thing as you and me, in this world full of rules and tragedy.

But how can you do this to me? You created a language only our hearts can utterly elucidate. It’s now making me hard to concentrate—can’t think of nothing else, but the now that we have that i will never forsake.

It’s merely now but no tomorrow. Just today so let’s make the most out of it.

Kiss my hand and hold it tight before it gets cold.

Tell me you love me ’cause I need some validation.

Tell me you’ll never stop thinking of me even if I have to flee, because my body is already killing me and i have to set you free.

But oh please don’t cry for me. Stop being vulnerable and show me your strength.

Because you are my strength, my main reason for fighting. But you know how hard the battle is, so please, now—allow me to surrender.

In a few minutes I will close my eyes and I’d have to give up enjoying the beauty of your eyes.

Your eyes have been telling me to fight, they said fight for me one last time.

My heart told them I wanted to. But my angels are almost here—I can see them carrying my wings for me.

My love for you is so intense it’s making me happy and gloomy at the same time. It’s the love i have for you that kept me alive for some time, but it has made me feel lonely most of the time.

I’m lonely because I won’t be with you when you get wrinkly and old.

I’m lonely because tomorrow you might meet someone new, and you’ll soon forget the idea of me.

I’m lonely because I don’t have enough time left, to show you how much you mean to me.

I’m lonely you will never be mine again but it makes me happy that I’m dying whilst entangled by your arms around me.

I couldn’t breathe anymore, i can see an utter bloom of light coming through.

I reckon this is it. The now that i spent with you is both the most euphoric and most soul-crushing thing that ever happened to me.

For love is a paradox, yet it is absolutely true.

(Photo taken at Oslo, Norway)

Single forever

Carmelita is a 68 year old chinese woman who lived in Manila most of her life. She’s multilingual (English, Chinese & Tagalog) and was raised by her Chinese parents who used to operate a huge plantation of crops in Malaysia that is up and running until today despite his father’s death at year 2000 due to old age. Her mother died at age 48 due to Cancer and being the eldest among the five siblings, she took most of the responsibility in their family business and managed her father’s business affairs most especially the financial aspects because her father couldn’t speak the local language in Manila. To keep her background story short, Ma’am Mely (as how I address her) dedicated her whole life helping his father—took care of him when he was sick, looked after her younger siblings and decided to stay single forever. I asked her if there’s someone who tried to be with her and she answered me with a big YES and a wide smile in her face but her eyes were filled with regret. She told me there was a lawyer and an accountant who tried to win her heart but she gave me this apparent excuse that she was scared that they would not accept her for who she is, that maybe they would just get “turned off” by her, that she’s worried she’s too old for it because she was around 40 years old when they came. She then accepted her fate since. She decided she would stay single forever because she initially thought it’s okay, that she’s going to be okay alone.

When his father died and all her siblings got married, the pain of her decision commenced to become more intense, more intolerable, more obvious than it used to be. She opened up honestly how lonely she is and how hard it is to live alone. Whenever she got sick and the driver is not around, she would take her jacket and walk to the drugstore a mile away from where she lives, so she could buy herself a medicine, because no one else could do it for her. Although her siblings have often asked her to just live with them, she kept on refusing them because she feels like she’s going to be just a burden to them and admitted to me that she thinks it’s more painful to see them having a family of their own and feel sorry for herself for the decision she made for her life. She’s been living alone in that old gloomy house for almost 20 years and I felt the pain it has caused her. She told me she likes me so much that she wishes I am her daughter and she sincerely appreciate the time I gave her—because she said she badly needed someone to talk to. She kept on thanking me for listening to her repetitive story and apologized for it. I told her she shouldn’t apologize for it because I did enjoy the time I spent with her.

“Please don’t leave him because you’re very lucky you have someone to grow old with.” She said after we hugged before I had to leave for another client visit. Whilst I was driving away, I looked in my rear view mirror and I saw her waving goodbye like a mother who had to see her child leave because the school bus is already there. I felt deep within me that she wanted to be a mother, to be a wife, to have a family of her own. I have met several old maid well off clients but she was the only one who unhesitatingly confessed the unpleasant repercussion of living alone for the rest of her life. Perhaps not all them old maid feels the same way as Mely, but I’m certain that in one way or another, those people who chose to be single forever, felt lonely too.

I had to write about her story without her consent neither to announce the pity I have for her nor to make it look like staying single is bad. I wrote this so you could realize how blessed you are right now. If you have a family of your own or if you have someone who loves you and is willing to share his/her life with you, do not hesitate and stop overthinking about the negative sides of marriage or of having children—because I’m telling you, it’s better to endure the pain of getting hurt due to a quarrel or sleepless nights ’cause of your crying baby than the pain of living all by yourself. As the old clichéd saying proves: “No man is an island” and I couldn’t agree more to it.

I wish you start looking at your partner as a gift because perhaps not everyone is blessed to have met someone to love. You are loved and you have someone to kiss and hug, someone to share your thoughts with, someone to laugh with using a secret language only you two can understand, thus I hope you don’t take it for granted. Being single forever is a choice—but I wish you do something about it before you run out of time.

Start the year right

Goals, i have relied on you my entire life for the most part. You are the guide God has taught me to create, like a map of several destinations, the pathway to utter happiness. I have accomplished a lot of you last year and I am confident that this year is going to be a year of more positive changes and an enormous sums of achievements. I am not, however, a follower of new year’s resolutions because it doesn’t have any strong impact on me. But specific goals exhilarate me to enjoy the process of living and allow me to look forward to brighter things ahead.

Creating this blog has always been one of my goals since the time i found love in writing. But I wasn’t confident enough to publish my works for the past years that I’ve always second-guessed the idea of it thus I ended up procrastinating and absolutely not making it happen. But today feels so much different. I woke up this morning with a tagline that keeps flashing in my head—START THE YEAR RIGHT. It really appeared in bold letters as if it was emphasizing its importance, that it has to be seriously acknowledged. And so I did not ignore it this time—my heart has its way of communicating with me through my peculiar sets of imaginations and a universal language that needs a little of decoding to understand. Starting the year right is an intense message to persuade you to do something you love that you keep on setting aside because of your excuses. It could also mean that you should start this year with a new powerful habit as a replacement from the ugly old one. I’d like to believe that starting this blog is a perfect way to help me practice the passion I have for writing and help me execute my goal in provoking ideas all over the world.

I honestly think that through this, I’d be able to make a difference like who knows? It may sound absurd but if I get to help people know how to set goals properly and how to achieve them, how to have the right mindset and how to have the perfect attitude towards life, that’s already making a difference, isn’t it? Just like what Steve Jobs has said: “…because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world… are the ones who do.”To think differently—this is what this blog aims for you to do. To be brave enough to take the road that are less traveled. To help you unlock your true self  without seeking the approval of others. The ultimate goal is to create a message that could inspire readers to live life at its fullest. To make you realize the true beauty of life by changing the way you look at it, one step at a time.

I am merely thrilled to share with you every chapter of my 2018 stories that will hopefully provoke some meaningful ideas within you. I am also excited to hit more goals, to meet more people, to see more places and to touch more lives this year.

A colorful and bountiful 2018—I am looking forward to you.