A surreal win

Why am I here?

Why did I decide to be alone when the wind and the trees and the moon wants to come along?

They were here to be of help—so i can somehow breathe and witness a ray of light.

But I don’t want them in this fight.

My body craves for the full bloom of darkness inside.

You know why I like to endure this moment of total black?

So I get to teach myself to never fear the dark.

To feel each sting the sharp objects bring,

to embrace the pain that in my bones have remained.

I never hated the idea of hurting,

’cause they push me to be growing

to a woman of strength, I’m becoming..

a woman of resilience and grit.

I need to be all by myself—

so I get to converse with them voices within,

to understand the purpose of this storm I’m in,

not bothering no one, not confiding to a friend.

Because in times like this,

I need to crack a code to surpass the test.

And I’m supposed to find that code,

by marrying myself with this sword—

a weapon I can use to “unfear” the unknown,

to destroy the naysayer’s voice,

to never stop believin’ in my soul.

Why am I here?

Because life sometimes sucks yet I have to take it all in.

It’s for the better, it’s a surreal win.

(digital painting credit to the best artist in the world, Arvy)

5 lessons everyone should learn about LOVE

Love is my favourite. When i hear this word, I can hear his voice. When people talk happily about it, I see his smile. When people blame love for being miserable, it makes me question the real purpose of it, whilst imagining his enraged face due to our inevitable fights.

Love is so powerful it can make you the happiest and the saddest person at the same time. This paradox is a cliché, but only those who have experienced this 2-in-1 effect of love can only testify how ironically twisted love is.

Love is showing me these facets right now. Love makes me indefinably overjoyed, but recently it was shattering all pieces of me, including my state of mind, my weakened soul and my whole vulnerable self. I initially thought love only exacerbates the pain caused by a single person or situation but then I realized that love is only teaching me lessons. For me to grow, not only as a person but most significantly as a partner.

I have failed in love too many times it really sucks. I even thought once about abandoning love forever, but I couldn’t seem to do it. Love lies in the deepest layer of my bones I wouldn’t be able to just let it go. In spite of failing at it too many times, I still believe that once I have reached that level of maturity, applying all the lessons love has taught me the hard way, I would succeed in it. They say the most powerful advice comes from those who have been there, done that, felt it, suffered at it and eventually survived it. Hence, I will share to you the lessons love has taught me, despite the fact that love is not my expertise.

1. Love is not easily angered

Being a short-tempered woman that I am, it is quite a challenge for me to stay calm during fights, whether it’s minor or a major one, I couldn’t help myself but talk recklessly, resulting to a more serious damage. We should understand that we should not be easily angered under any circumstances and learn how to talk it out in the most serene way possible. Take a deep breath, hold your partner’s hand, and think thoroughly before you say something. Hurtful words will only aggravate the situation so be careful at what anger is forcing you to say.

2. Let love win over your ego

We had a fight recently and my egotistic self was too proud that I waited for almost a week before I spoke to him. I didn’t want to message first thinking it wasn’t my fault, but the repercussion of not following what love has been telling me to do (which is to talk to him) has made me the most miserable person on earth. Don’t let your ego eat you up, it will make you sick, it will never make you happy. Call your partner now and don’t prolong the agony you are creating for postponing the proper communication you should have done to fix things. In love, sometimes it doesn’t matter who the real culprit in the battle is, what matters most is how you end the war of love by apologizing and acknowledging the cause of it and letting love win just because love always wins.

3. Love is never selfish

When you’re the type of person who loves and gives too much (like I), you have this unavoidable tendency to feel tired especially if you think your partner is not putting in the same effort. This is normal because we WANT to receive love in return, don’t we? I mean, let’s not be hypocrites on this aspect, because I sure know you also crave to be loved just as much as the amount of love you can give to your partner. But what if it’s not identical? Should we find someone else that could give us what we want? Hell no. True love is not like that. Never ever count how much effort you are exerting in the relationship because love is never selfish. Do not accuse your partner of not helping you make things work because…

4. Love is spoken in different languages

It is purely true that each and everyone of us have different love languages thus we also perceive it in such a unique way. The way you show love may be totally distinct from the way your partner does it. Hence, you should never be disappointed if the love you can give is not given to you in the same form. Assess yourself to identify your love language and make sure you also ask your partner of his. Communicate it with him/her so you can manage your expectations and never get disappointed in the end.

5. Love is all we need

I don’t know about you, but this is what’s keeping me alive. My life has massively changed when I began to know Love. I don’t need no drugs nor alcohol to make me high, because love already does it to me everyday of my life. If you know how to love someone, you are lucky. It’s a privilege because I know some people who can’t even manage to love themselves, hence they couldn’t give it out to someone else. And if you are loved, you are blessed. Be grateful about it because not everyone can receive it. Love is all we need in this mundane world we’re in.

The lessons I have learned will stick within me as a reminder of the real power of love. Love is too strong no one can really break its purpose. Love is our fuel to get going. Without love, we have no reason to go on with our life. Love is an intangible gift from God. The best things in life are unseen just like when God speaks to us and when we close our eyes to kiss. Give love and choose love, always.

 

(Photo credit to the owner)

How can I make a masterpiece?

You were supposed to write something.

But you couldn’t fathom why your mind is overflowing

With too much lists and codes, too much worries—it’s disgusting.

So you end up staring at your laptop,

fingertips ready to dance with the keypad,

eyes glued to the screen, chair’s heating up for real.

You’ve been planning to write something,

but no swift thought can satisfy your brain’s craving—for something original, something unclichéd that could mean a thing.

Then you turn to a book you were reading, hoping for the light bulb to say, ting!

Unfortunately there’s still nothing.

Is this a mere writer’s block or but pure folly?

Nonetheless, you really want to write something,

so you thrust your whole being to ponder thoroughly, to dig for ideas tremendously

But your disoriented mind is not helping.

It’s when your heart start pounding, that you realize what’s missing.

You forgot to listen to your heart, as your mind overrule you with boring facts and schemes.

It was saying something.

What did it say?

Your heart says it’s in pain.

You then grabbed this time your pen and paper,

jotting down each word your heart dictates.

You didn’t mind if it’s basic and plain, if it lacks pompous adjectives or peculiar adverbs

All you care is what your heart is telling you to create.

You didn’t mind how the readers would react.

It’s merely for the purpose of bursting them feelings out.

You then finish the piece out of sheer signals from the heart.

Making you discern it’s not hard after all, it only takes a heart that speaks to make a such masterpiece.

(Photo credit to owner)

A Psychoweirdo

Ash is a sucker for the bad guys.

She paradoxically falls quick into their traps yet she loves it.

Because then she could also lure them to want her more, so she can jail their hearts in her spell and make them think she’s vulnerable, without knowing they’re the ones being poisoned with her seducing soul.

She enjoys the idea of hanging on the edge of the unknown with no label.

She prefers being involved in a married man—she likes the thought of wrecking homes, of breaking them wives’ hearts.

She knows it’s insanely peculiar but she finds so much fun with it.

She’s not fond of commitment, not even a believer of love.

She’s been living all by herself now for 15 years, after being abandoned by her biological parents and after she escaped from the foster parents she truly detested when she was 12.

Since then she has lived on her own.

Playing around her boys in every city she gets to live in.

Ash needs to move from one place to another, maximum of three months per state or country, so all her illegal hacking jobs won’t be busted and most importantly… so that she can search for new fresh meats of different race and color.

She’s highly independent that being with someone longer than two months is a big No-No!

She couldn’t take it, she rapidly gets sick of one and move on to the next.

Her attention span with these guys is really short despite the fact that it makes her happy.

Yes, the bad guys make her happy, especially if the sex is good.

She can make them go wild and crazy.

She has this innate charm that makes her irresistible. Her tattooless body says it all.

But once she’s done with it, once she has shattered their lives, it makes her way happier.

Ash is disturbingly crazy, she’s completely aware of it, but she didn’t bother changing her views just to be accepted by the world.

She doesn’t like to live normally, never a fan of rules.

She has never abided in anything but her own dirty strange urges to get touched by a variety of bad guys and to smash their hearts with her invisible evil strength.

#totallyfiction

(Photo credit to the owner)

Numbers don’t lie

“You can’t have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage work ethic.”

-Stephen C. Hogan

This line has been stuck in my head when the speaker from our meeting yesterday flashed this in her PowerPoint presentation. I decided to write about this idea to reiterate the value of Work Ethic, and how does it affect not only the digits in your bank account but most significantly the quality of life that you live.

I’m a huge believer of numbers. Being in sales for nearly 7 years, I have relied on logical computation on achieving what I want. I’ve never enjoyed the idea of being a regular employee (that’s why I’ve never been one), wherein the paycheck depends on the hours you spend on your office and not by the amount of hard work you put in. At some point I find this idea a little unfair to those who work harder but gets the same salary as the ones who don’t. I have nothing against employees though, because I know some people who are happy to be one. This is speaking from my own experience, my own belief system that the idea of the Law of Averages has not only made me earn more than average at the age of 26, but also improved the quality of my life in general. It has polished in a way that I’ve developed a great work ethic that has now become a habit. Truth be told that I’m not normally the most skillful in the room, neither the most talented but I can confidently say that I can fill in those loop holes by working on my numbers. I prefer working hard over working smart, above all means.

Numbers, however, is truly not the sole component of success, but if you can master it, you’re on your way to achieving whatever it is that you want. It’s a formula that anyone can use regardless of how good you are at something. When you increase your numbers, whether in terms of the number of hours you spend on your career or on writing in your blog, or on studying something that interests you, you will see a massive and positive change on the results of it. If you double your effort, or at least do that extra 1%, the repercussion will mirror what you have exerted at a certain time only fate or God could tell. The fruits of your hardwork has their own perfect timing. If you’re working way above mediocre level today and not reaping the benefits yet, you have to instill in your mind that you must be patient. Patience is a virtue anyway, yes?

In addition to that, there is no way you you would ever miss a target if you religiously follow your hitrate. Hitrate is your personal ratio that is computed based on your skill level. As a Financial Wealth Adviser, my hit rate started at 10:1, that now has upgraded over the years to 3:1. This means that for me to be able to close a deal back then, I need to be able to present to 10 clients before I can get a successful YES. In terms of blogging, this post will be my 19th, with (only) 104 followers so far, on my 3rd week since I put this up. This means that for each daily post, I get to have roughly 5 followers, hence my hit rate on increasing the number of followers based on each published post is 1:5. Now I guess I have to write twice daily so I can have 10 new followers per day, hmm. What do you think? Hihi. 🙂

Anywho, numbers don’t lie. When you look at yourself and you’re not happy with where you are right now, odds are you didn’t apply a certain amount of work ethic for each of your goals. So let me end this post with how I started it—Your dream, that doesn’t necessarily have to be a million dollar, will be fulfilled if you add an amazing work ethic on your belief system and act on it whilst you can. Success is not a sprint after all that you have to acquire the speed of Usain Bolt just to get it. And you can’t use a shortcut to success in exchange for a short term happiness with a long term catastrophe. The idea is to enjoy the process on achieving it, heedless of the time, because the destination will surely be there at the end of the tunnel. Have fun in the process of working hard, learn from each hurdles along the way and soon enough you will reap all the benefits of your above average, multi-millionaire level of work ethic.

Thank you, Facebook.

I set the alarm at 4:30am tomorrow and decided that I’m going to sleep early today but my brain can’t seem to shut down—vividly rewinding all the events of this day, contemplating about the things I’m supposed to do tomorrow, carefully calculating the targets I have to hit, worried about the book I have to finish, counting the clients I have to call and thinking about our good old memories—I have more to add but you don’t care anyway so I wouldn’t jot them all down no more. My point is, I feel so restless for the hectic list of to-do’s that keep on flashing in my head it’s making me so anxious because I just f—ckn wanna go to sleep but I caaaaannn’t, UGH!!! Have you ever felt this way too? I reckon you do. So what do you normally do when you can’t sleep?

Facebook?

Hmm. No. This ain’t right.

He cheated on me, I should stop stalking him.

Yes. It’s been three weeks since.

I couldn’t focus because of this urge again. To view his profile. To stare endlessly at his solo photos and them ones with her. To crush my heart with my own hands. To kill my soul with the growing jealousy in me. It has grown so much it agonises my poor self. But i loved it—the torture I bestowed upon myself like an honor of excellence awarded to me. I get so damn hurt but at least I get to see him, you know? It’s a rewarding torture after all.

I picked up the laptop lying on top my bedside table and pursued the calling to open Facebook. So I logged in. In two seconds the news feed blatantly presented his newly posted picture two hours ago. Wow, facebook! You didn’t even give me a chance to hesitate to type his name on the search box!

Sigh.

I felt a sudden pinch in my heart it kinda burns. I stared at the photo he posted for like a minute, with the caption that says: “With my gorgeous princess.” 

Wow. He used to call me his princess back then. Ha ha! He didn’t even bother changing it! Brilliant! Then, I clicked on the comments below and a lot of people are congratulating them—telling them the they-look-good-together lie, and there’s this one girl by the name of Jane Lee who left a comment that I even had to zoom in to ascertain the exact words my eyes had just read…

“He used to call me his princess too, don’t fall on that trap.” 

I’m like WTFFFFFF!!!!!

I don’t know what to feel. Each word from that random comment stunned me it goes deep within my veins, my blood couldn’t even flow anymore—I think it’s stopped. My heart is now beatless, lifeless. He didn’t just cheat on me alone, he cheated on me and Jane and even on that foolish girl on the picture he just posted. What an a*shole!!!!

I couldn’t contain the unidentified emotion I am feeling right now so I slammed the laptop close and zoned out for like two minutes with my mouth open and my eyes that suddenly forgot to blink.

The love I thought I still have for him instantly vanished like a bubble. This unidentified peculiar kind of emotion replaced the crazy kind of love I initially had for him. It’s that inexplicably odd feeling that makes you numb from the weird mix of love and hatred and anger and regret that is at some point a sense of freedom. I am now free from the trap, from his trap.

I smiled nonchalantly like some sort of an invisible thorn was taken away from my flesh. It’s still bleeding but it feels lighter. There’s a visible wound, but it’s going to heal soon, I am sure of that.

If not with the urge to stalk him again through Facebook, I wouldn’t be utterly awaken from this nightmare. If there’s one thing I learned from this experience tonight, it is the idea of spoiling yourself, albeit knowing it’s bad for you and expecting a certain punishment that will add up to your list of experiences from which you learn from—hence you grow and become wiser. This moral lesson (lol) abruptly just cleared my head, released all them worries free, thus now I think I’m ready for a goodnight sleep.

#fiction

(Photo credit to the owner)