This story is deepening and has that adventurous, wild vibe that can make any reader get so absorbed and hooked, like I, who feel strongly connected to the characters’ thoughts, especially Rae’s. Ah, I love the chills and warmth i felt simultaneously from reading this chapter. Written by a genius, written from a heart that knows. Thank you, Hyperion for writing this story 🥺😍
The creative project I really worked hard for is finally done! A poetic documentary that I wrote, narrated, and edited with so much passion as a gift to myself and to those who are guided to receive the messages of this video. Feel my vibrations as you listen to my voice and allow yourself to hear my heart in every word that comes out from me
I never thought I’d enjoy video editing this much that i really took time to dance with the flow of my ideas and creativity that has magically led me to this. Take a deep breath. Immerse. Let it all in. Enjoy
This day felt like a day of survival. A day of waiting for the sun to set so it can rise again tomorrow. Such a paradox really but earlier i was getting a little impatient, yet again. Things don’t seem to be working. Walking along this path that has little to no form of lighting. It’s too dark but holding on tight with this wand of faith handed to me by God when He instructed me to go to this direction. My grip is tight, a bit afraid that it slips off my hand. ‘Cause it’s the only thing I have that keeps me going. To look past the limits of my eyes, to search beyond the unsearchable and to try to grasp the shaky uncertainty that tests me.
Should i keep moving or should i go back? What if there’s nothing in there? What if I’m just wasting my time? What if my intuition was wrong? What if this isn’t really where I’m supposed to be? Will there be light if i kept on walking or am I just fooling myself?
These are my everyday questions. My everyday eerie movie. My everyday battle against the demons in my head that are seemingly obsessive. Well, maybe the rollercoaster effect is to blame. The highs and lows of the ride that give the same amount of shitty feeling. The seesaw syndrome of my extremity. Of my duality that makes and then breaks me. It’s just, hard—To live in the present moment. To just be. But I’m trying. God knows I’m trying. But sometimes the pushing to be present hurts. Maybe because it requires of force. Not like a normal gravitational pull like how i am with my writing, with my words, with the world i create out of my imagination. But I’m not allowed to stay there for long. I HAVE TO stay in the present reality.
And I guess there would really be times like these where I couldn’t get my shit together and that I have to push things. And I think this rythym of pushing with so much force will never stop hurting if I don’t stop trying to control things the way i want it. And hell, I know this already, don’t I? Why do i keep on doing the same old shit?
Earlier i thought to myself: this transformation journey sucks. It fucking hurts. The breaking of old patterns just so i can be better. The changing of habits just so i can be consistent. The allowing of things to unfold at the right time so i can be patient. The loving myself first so I can love others more. The building of self-worth so I won’t be needing of validation from other people anymore. And the fucking slowing down and the fucking details! It sucks. It hurts. But it’s essential for my growth. And it’s all for my highest good. Fine. Let me convince myself of this positive fucked up self-help theme of the world right now. To be self-reliant, to know how to self-regulate and to be self-aware! They sound so simple but it isn’t.
P.s. I know this too shall pass. I just had to blurt it out and felt like posting it. If you reached until this postscript, then i guess you’re not highly sensitive at all 😁 (But please excuse my language.)
For those people who know me personally, you know exactly how much of an optimist and an idealist I am and how i love looking at the brighter side of things, because we should always be positive amidst the crisis, right? This time, however, I’d like to be completely honest. Recently, I was feeling down—sad, anxious and just not okay. Thus, the isolation. The detaching. The not-replying. The disconnecting.
I have all the time to listen closely to my thoughts and feelings but i was resisting it. I hated feeling what I was feeling because I thought I should be strong, eh? But hell, I’m not. I’m just human. A human being, not a “human doing” who’s tricked that you should always be doing things in order to be good, to be accepted, to be… human. But fact of the matter is, we are supposed to feel, all sorts of emotions (including those we label as bad), and that we are given this uncomfortable time to sit with it because no matter how much we avoid these unwanted emotions by distracting ourselves with Netflix and games and whatnot, we know, that it’s there. And gaahh, it’s killing me. But ironically, it also makes me feel alive—and let me tell you why.
Now that we’re approaching the so-called “Age of Aquarius” where everything spiritual is heightened, this is creating a holistic discomfort in all of us, worldwide. And I don’t mean that in a drama way. I mean, whatever is happening in the world right now is quite different, don’t you think? Hence, my point being is this: if you feel like dying without really approaching real death, that means you’re living. Okay, that’s quite esoteric but i hope you get what i mean.
Stepping into my highly philosophical self, i feel that everything that’s happening globally (that affects us on a personal level) is meant to happen, is meant to make us feel anxious, depressed, lonely and that it’s gonna be magnified even more because this is no longer the time of doing things the same old way. This is the time we break those old patterns that are no longer serving us well. Time to reflect on who you are in this world and how you can change for the better. Time to focus on your beingness. Time to convert mundane activities to purposeful ones. Time to create deeper connections than skin-deep ones. And most importantly, time to have faith, more than ever.
I hate admitting to people that I’m not okay. For reasons that i know everyone feels it too one way or another and that I don’t wanna burden those people around me and that they might think i have all the reasons to be grateful for and all that shit. But choosing to be vulnerable isn’t really a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that no matter who you think you are in this world, despite your worldly accomplishments and possessions, you are allowed to not be okay. Sit with it, journal it, listen and don’t ignore. Feel the pain until there’s nothing left. Everything falls into an equilibrium, anyway. Ah, my favorite word. And let me end this by saying something corny like, “We got this, humans!!!”
We hear of it like a clichéd lexicon of the norm but what do we really know about it? What do you really know about darkness and the lightness of the weight of it?
How light, how peaceful, how religiously liberating to get in touch with the darkest parts of you that you were ignoring—out of fear of being unaccepted, out of fear of being judged. I go out there, out in the world with so much darkness i never deny of me. It allows my spirit to run freely, with no inhibitions, with no faking. And you know what? It’s intoxicating. Exciting. Full of spice. Full of depths that know its own desires. My desires are not purely angelic. Mostly aren’t.
And whenever i get in touch with this certain form of darkness, it gives me some sense of satisfaction. Like closing one’s eyes when you reach an orgasm—seeing nothing but feeling so much of a feeling you would always want to feel should you be allowed to. Correct? And metaphorically speaking, that’s how light it is to see nothing in the dark but feeling so connected to who you truly are. Do you know what i mean?
I used orgasm as an example (to align it with the darkness enveloped herein) but i know you know what i mean. I know you know that you, not embracing the darkest sides of who you are, actually prevents you from being authentic. And when you’re not being authentic, when you’re not being yourself, are you happy? Are you living a life you chose for yourself or someone else’s chose that for you? Are you stepping into the kind of man or woman of worth despite the fact that people around you judge you based on what they see wrong about you? Or up until now you’re still hiding behind your own shadow because you’re too afraid to be seen as someone people expect you shouldn’t be? And yes that’s the sad reality—culture and tradition has shaped the earlier generations with beliefs that we should act and behave a certain way that sometimes kills our insides because fck tradition, that’s not who you wanna be, right?
And everything is changing now. In fact, it’s transmuting into something more vibrant and more colorful than how we were. And if the world is now growing faster than ever before, have you checked on how much progress you have made? If you’re not progressing, you will feel stuck, thus, you won’t be happy. And this random musings about darkness and light is an invitation for you, to step into the light you can only find when you courageously stepped into the dark. Please, stop being apologetic for the way you behave. Stop pleasing people. Unfake the faking and start getting real with your real self.
Okay, let me go straight to the point here and start this as harsh as I could because you need to hear this right now.
Darling, why are you so hard on yourself? Why do you swim endlessly in your river of fears and doubts that’s taking you nowhere? You know you’ve done a lot of great and amazing stuff in the past, you know that right? So tell me, why are you being so ungrateful then?
Look around you, go ahead, look around you. Aren’t you more blessed than the rest who surrounds you? Fuck that excuse of being so pressured you don’t know what to do—yadah yadah yadah. Stop it. You know you’re a diamond, honey. And for you to shine brighter and have higher value, more pressure must be put unto you. Do i always need to remind you to not forget about this?
It’s your destiny to be placed in that cataclysmic world you live in because God knows you can thrive, let alone survive. Because He believes in you, He knows exactly the size of your capacity that needs no form of measure. Because He trusts you that you can and He knows what’s best for you. Surrender, honey, surrender.
And please, I beg you.. please don’t lose faith in yourself. You are the first and last and constant person who should believe in you, no one else… no one else. And you’ll see, the moment you start having compassion towards every part of your being, magic will begin to unfold like you’ve never seen before. You will witness that extraordinary artistry of being in the now and will start laughing at all the dramas you created in the past. Like that drama you’re creating now.
Darling, go ahead and switch to a more empowering state. Live your dramatic truth, okay.. but don’t stay there forever. The world needs you.