Philippines – Page 2

My semantic musings about light and darkness

We hear of it like a clichéd lexicon of the norm but what do we really know about it? What do you really know about darkness and the lightness of the weight of it?

How light, how peaceful, how religiously liberating to get in touch with the darkest parts of you that you were ignoring—out of fear of being unaccepted, out of fear of being judged. I go out there, out in the world with so much darkness i never deny of me. It allows my spirit to run freely, with no inhibitions, with no faking. And you know what? It’s intoxicating. Exciting. Full of spice. Full of depths that know its own desires. My desires are not purely angelic. Mostly aren’t.

And whenever i get in touch with this certain form of darkness, it gives me some sense of satisfaction. Like closing one’s eyes when you reach an orgasm—seeing nothing but feeling so much of a feeling you would always want to feel should you be allowed to. Correct? And metaphorically speaking, that’s how light it is to see nothing in the dark but feeling so connected to who you truly are. Do you know what i mean?

I used orgasm as an example (to align it with the darkness enveloped herein) but i know you know what i mean. I know you know that you, not embracing the darkest sides of who you are, actually prevents you from being authentic. And when you’re not being authentic, when you’re not being yourself, are you happy? Are you living a life you chose for yourself or someone else’s chose that for you? Are you stepping into the kind of man or woman of worth despite the fact that people around you judge you based on what they see wrong about you? Or up until now you’re still hiding behind your own shadow because you’re too afraid to be seen as someone people expect you shouldn’t be? And yes that’s the sad reality—culture and tradition has shaped the earlier generations with beliefs that we should act and behave a certain way that sometimes kills our insides because fck tradition, that’s not who you wanna be, right?

And everything is changing now. In fact, it’s transmuting into something more vibrant and more colorful than how we were. And if the world is now growing faster than ever before, have you checked on how much progress you have made? If you’re not progressing, you will feel stuck, thus, you won’t be happy. And this random musings about darkness and light is an invitation for you, to step into the light you can only find when you courageously stepped into the dark. Please, stop being apologetic for the way you behave. Stop pleasing people. Unfake the faking and start getting real with your real self.

You’re welcome.

A Rhetorical Open Letter

Dear Self,

Okay, let me go straight to the point here and start this as harsh as I could because you need to hear this right now.

Darling, why are you so hard on yourself? Why do you swim endlessly in your river of fears and doubts that’s taking you nowhere? You know you’ve done a lot of great and amazing stuff in the past, you know that right? So tell me, why are you being so ungrateful then?

Look around you, go ahead, look around you. Aren’t you more blessed than the rest who surrounds you? Fuck that excuse of being so pressured you don’t know what to do—yadah yadah yadah. Stop it. You know you’re a diamond, honey. And for you to shine brighter and have higher value, more pressure must be put unto you. Do i always need to remind you to not forget about this?

It’s your destiny to be placed in that cataclysmic world you live in because God knows you can thrive, let alone survive. Because He believes in you, He knows exactly the size of your capacity that needs no form of measure. Because He trusts you that you can and He knows what’s best for you. Surrender, honey, surrender.

And please, I beg you.. please don’t lose faith in yourself. You are the first and last and constant person who should believe in you, no one else… no one else. And you’ll see, the moment you start having compassion towards every part of your being, magic will begin to unfold like you’ve never seen before. You will witness that extraordinary artistry of being in the now and will start laughing at all the dramas you created in the past. Like that drama you’re creating now.

Darling, go ahead and switch to a more empowering state. Live your dramatic truth, okay.. but don’t stay there forever. The world needs you.

Childhood vs Adulthood, and some thoughts with it.

Earlier we were browsing our old photos from an old photo album that breathes like it’s gonna die soon. Although sooner or later it will, the joy that was enveloped in every dust of a developed film will forever be fresh in our memories. The how bad we wanted to be old when we were young, the how impatient we were to work in an office someday that we even thought of skipping school just to accelerate to adulthood and the picture of how fantastic growing old was. We had a really happy childhood—despite being poor and having less, despite the wounds and bruises that literally left scars on our knees for stumbling and falling onto the ground while running and playing around the streets way too much, despite having just enough “baon” for school and notwithstanding the “palo” and sermon we always get for disappointing our parents.

Sigh.

The paradox of it all is this: Now we all wish we were young again because nobody told us that being an adult sucks… and hurts and… you know what’s next. Or maybe our parents did say it then, but we were too stubborn of a kid to listen. I remember my mother used to tell me to stop fantasizing about growing old fast and to enjoy childhood because you could never take it back. She was right, no? But I used to smirk a lot everytime she says this because all my daydreams and playtime were filled with acting like a boss in an office while carrying my momma’s bag and writing in a checkbook that was self-made.

The fact of the matter was we always want what we cannot have—so crazy and so bad that it kills me to think that we really can’t take it back, that we can no longer be kids anymore who only worry about them games to play tomorrow and how to make our momma proud.

I’d like to think, however, that everyday we’ve got a choice. Only two, though. Nothing in between. You can choose to whine all day with all the bills you’ve got to pay and start slowing, or you can embrace the slaps of adulthood, take it all in and keep on growing. Growing on both the literal sense of it and the more in depth one, you know what I mean. But remember, the choices we consciously make shape our destiny, so be careful, be very, very careful.

The art of balance

Recently, I was at my peak state. Highly energetic, full of life and almost always passionate with the work I’m doing. Too hectic that I didn’t find the time to write. There were times, however, that I decided i would write, but it seemed as though my muse weren’t in the mood to show up. Thus I didn’t come looking for it. I gave in to the chaos in my head—put the pen and paper aside and ignored the voices in my head that wanted to be written and be heard.

My problem is, i am currently obsessed. I say “obsessed” because i want to put emphasis on the fact that it’s REALLY bad. I am getting too obsessed with winning that all i get to think of was that goal. My mind became restless. My boyfriend even told me the other night that i came to a point where i sleep-talk, murmuring some things about work—and that’s where it hit me.

Though it’s true, that there’s nothing wrong about working so hard and focusing on a goal and getting all things done and believing that you will achieve it and actually making it happen but the question is—are you progressing? Am I progressing? The answer is NO. I am not growing because I don’t get to enjoy the process of winning because all i care about was getting it. My Reticular Activating System has overruled and programmed me well enough to focus on that goal that the rest of what used to matter a lot, started to matter less and lose its significance.

And that’s where the problem comes in. It’s when you wallow yourself in with long hours of work, thinking day and night of how to achieve the desires of your heart that you tend to forget how to pause and be grateful. We need to treat ourselves of some REAL kind of rest where you would stop stressing yourself out about your goals and targets and dreams and just about anything that drives you mad. It’s okay to be crazy and to be passionate and to be focused but hey, don’t forget to recharge your batteries. Don’t drain yourself too much and have some fun. I’m writing this at 2am as a note to myself with hopes that it will serve as a wake up call to all of you out there who’s been working so hard. I salute you. But please, don’t forget to take a break and learn to master the art of balance.

Circling thoughts

Today, I felt empty. I buried my face on the table where I write, with my hands and arms reaching for one another like they both needed that warmth, that hug that could maybe lessen the intensity of the pain I have inside. I listened carefully to the chaotic rhythm my tears make as they run down my cheeks and each time it drops to the surface of the table like a raw melancholic beat. Tears that created a melody that nearly lulled me to sleep—that aftermath of crying that makes you want to just close your eyes, hoping for a beautiful dream that you believe show signs.

But then you realise that the things in your head still want you to keep blinking and think more and more til you reach that certain level of restlessness. I am restless, my mind exactly. Not sure whether it’s the right part of my brain that makes my head ache for the flood of words that wanted to escape or if it’s the Amygdala who confuses itself for the battle of emotions that fight against each other to find out which one stands out best. Perhaps, the latter. The war each and everyone of us create can sometimes get too damaging, worse yet, it could make you feel so down and even depressed. Needless to say, I reached that phase of downhill, of rockbottom, of almost losing yourself as you drown your own aching body to the bottomless ocean of agony you thought existed.

Truth is, it’s all in my head. I knew it’s not real when something invisible poked me in the head that made me release my face from drowning in its own tears. Something that cannot be seen, like maybe an angel who whispered to me saying, “you have to look up”, thus I did. I looked up and looked out the window from my left. There I saw a rainbow that showed up like a unicorn passing by with a full smile on his face. Why, I asked myself, does the rainbow suddenly filled my emptiness? And is it really the rainbow that made me feel better or it’s just me wanting to use that rainbow as a tool to lift my spirits up and keep on fighting?

Sometimes, we know where to find the answers but our fears don’t allow us to get there as swift as we want to. Perceiving the road as dark and scary instead of looking at it as a trail of colours with such extraordinary beauty. Some days it’s okay to be empty, it’s actually an opportunity for you to seek for ways to fill your heart with gratitude as you search for the signs you’ve been praying for. But please, don’t stay there. Stop doing that to yourself. Get up and fight the voices in your head that kills your confidence. Hasn’t everyone told you yet that it’s in your hands? Isn’t it too cliched already if I say that the choice is yours to make? Cliched or not, I’ll say it over and over again to strengthen that belief system we all need to guide our way. The power you used that made yourself feel miserable for the nonexistent fears that has lead you to such disastrous episodes is nothing compared to the power you have to turn everything around. You decide your own destiny. Shape it the way you want it with the guidance of God who knows what’s best. Everything’s going to be alright, trust me.

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