Circling thoughts

Today, I felt empty. I buried my face on the table where I write, with my hands and arms reaching for one another like they both needed that warmth, that hug that could maybe lessen the intensity of the pain I have inside. I listened carefully to the chaotic rhythm my tears make as they run down my cheeks and each time it drops to the surface of the table like a raw melancholic beat. Tears that created a melody that nearly lulled me to sleep—that aftermath of crying that makes you want to just close your eyes, hoping for a beautiful dream that you believe show signs.

But then you realise that the things in your head still want you to keep blinking and think more and more til you reach that certain level of restlessness. I am restless, my mind exactly. Not sure whether it’s the right part of my brain that makes my head ache for the flood of words that wanted to escape or if it’s the Amygdala who confuses itself for the battle of emotions that fight against each other to find out which one stands out best. Perhaps, the latter. The war each and everyone of us create can sometimes get too damaging, worse yet, it could make you feel so down and even depressed. Needless to say, I reached that phase of downhill, of rockbottom, of almost losing yourself as you drown your own aching body to the bottomless ocean of agony you thought existed.

Truth is, it’s all in my head. I knew it’s not real when something invisible poked me in the head that made me release my face from drowning in its own tears. Something that cannot be seen, like maybe an angel who whispered to me saying, “you have to look up”, thus I did. I looked up and looked out the window from my left. There I saw a rainbow that showed up like a unicorn passing by with a full smile on his face. Why, I asked myself, does the rainbow suddenly filled my emptiness? And is it really the rainbow that made me feel better or it’s just me wanting to use that rainbow as a tool to lift my spirits up and keep on fighting?

Sometimes, we know where to find the answers but our fears don’t allow us to get there as swift as we want to. Perceiving the road as dark and scary instead of looking at it as a trail of colours with such extraordinary beauty. Some days it’s okay to be empty, it’s actually an opportunity for you to seek for ways to fill your heart with gratitude as you search for the signs you’ve been praying for. But please, don’t stay there. Stop doing that to yourself. Get up and fight the voices in your head that kills your confidence. Hasn’t everyone told you yet that it’s in your hands? Isn’t it too cliched already if I say that the choice is yours to make? Cliched or not, I’ll say it over and over again to strengthen that belief system we all need to guide our way. The power you used that made yourself feel miserable for the nonexistent fears that has lead you to such disastrous episodes is nothing compared to the power you have to turn everything around. You decide your own destiny. Shape it the way you want it with the guidance of God who knows what’s best. Everything’s going to be alright, trust me.

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Photo credit: Pinterest

Warning: #totallynonfiction

My bestfriend told me a story about a man who started from zero and then became a hero. A man who initially didn’t know what to do with his life and clueless about where to go. Someone who eventually found his calling through giving jobs to people by building his own manpower agency that has immensely grown into over 6000 employees. With this story, I found the answer.

She also told me that the guy told her that the reason why his business succeeded was because he didn’t focus on how much money he’s gonna make nor the technicals and fundamentals of it. He said that instead, he focused on how he could add value to people and how he could make an impact. That there is one minor detail most people tend to overlook in their quest for success, and that is the idea of being selfless.

This reminded me of an old mentor of mine who once told me that when you do something, and you do it for somebody else, the task becomes lighter. That no matter how hard the job is, when you think of the person or the people who serve as your inspiration, you will be fueled up with renewed enthusiasm day by day. I followed his advice and it worked for me. Years ago, I had the same secret as the guy my bestfriend told me about. Over the years of working hard, I was selfless. I thought about my parents and how I could possibly give them the best life they never had the chance to provide for us. I also thought about the kids I was raising funds for when I was working for International Charities and the people I train everyday so they can also add value to others. I never went home empty. I was always full charged with enormous happiness despite earning below average.

But my father got sick so I had to make a hard choice. I had to leave and find a better paying job. Luckily, i got hired in a Multinational Financial Institution with above average pay and great travel incentives. It was good—earning money and then you get to travel internationally for free. So I killed it. They had me compete with the best of the best. I failed and then I won. There was even a time I became number 1. And then I got hooked—to winning and competing. I indulged into the spell of numbers. I lost the purpose why I was doing what I was doing. I stopped working from the inside out. Thus I found myself going home quite empty despite earning more and winning often, which during that time I could hardly comprehend why.

But now I do. However, don’t get me wrong, because never did I regret that part of my life where I did lost my purpose and when a part of me went away with it.

For all that was missing was balance.

So I left, to start anew.

I gathered all the courage I could find to start this blog and at the same time be an entrepreneur. Although I just commenced my quest to creating that balance while realigning my purpose and finding real happiness and with an avalanche of obstacles in between, I’mpositive that this is only the beginning of something great.

By great I mean, touching more lives of people and helping them achieve what they want in my own little ways.

Truth is, I didn’t know why I ended up talking about myself. I promise, I didn’t want to. But my heart ordered my fingers to type, so that maybe people would get to read this and be inspired with whatever good I have enveloped in these words. I am no expert at life in general (atleast not yet lol) so I won’t be enumerating the highlights of this post just like how a motivational post should ideally end. Plus, this isn’t the genre I’m comfortable writing. Hence whatever is your take away from this post (if there’s any), I hope it has provoked you to look at things at a brighter perspective. Always, always look at the rainbow.

♥️🌈

Waiting in vain

Scared, i told you I was scared.

Guess you didn’t care,

You drove even faster,

And then slower—then you stopped.

In this snow-filled endless path.

Shivering, i told you I was shivering.

But you didn’t listen.

Deep sigh released, seatbelt unfastened.

You opened the door, then you said something;

“Leave”, you asked me to leave.

I was stunned, now what should I believe?

A promise—you promised you would stay,

“I will be with you no matter what”, all those years you say.

Why then are you leaving me this way?

I was angry and I still am—everyday.

Each time it snows, I remember that day.

The day you left me alone, now I’m full of disdain.

Though deep in my heart, I still hope and pray.

Wishing you would come back to me again.

But I’m scared… baby, I’m scared again.

What if I’m only waiting in vain?

*********************************************************************

A million thanks to my dear friend, Lloyd who captured this exceptionally beautiful photograph above that he took in his hometown in West Virginia (if I’m not mistaken) several hours ago. I had to borrow it from him ’cause just by merely staring at it, ideas within me are provoked to burst out effortlessly. Click the link below (or his name above) should you want to witness incredible form of art and photography. See it for yourself. 🙂

WELCOME TO LLOYD’S LENS PHOTOGRAPHY

Psychoweirdo is back!

The Psychoweirdo has been travelling around Asia for three weeks now and she’s killin’ it. She loved how the Asian guys showered her with so much attention, with bizarre warmth she has never felt before. They have made her feel like she’s Selena Gomez or Angelina Jolie, albeit rather bitchy of a version of these celebrities. Ash’s confidence is overflowing in the cockiest way you could ever imagine but they still end up being caged by her charm. She has this invisible psychic aura that hypnotizes Asian men to not only want to sleep with her but to keep coming back for more. Ironically however, she reckoned that these men has the same power over her and she’s enjoying it. She normally didn’t like regular clients but in this place in the Philippines called Manila, she has made an exception. It was with Ben—he has showed him strange but fascinating sexual acts she has never experienced before. He has sent her to wildest of dreams that are freakin’ real. It was crazily addictive, she decided to own him and never let go.

Whilst she was merely focused on her Macbook Pro doing some research about Taiwan, she suddenly heard heavy knocks on her front door. She hastily checked the security camera she has set up in the flat she’s renting and she saw a petite woman who’s probably in her late 20’s with furious eyes that kept looking at the camera with her proud middle finger up in the sky. Ash smirked, rolled her eyes, looked at herself in the mirror and winked with her game-face on and walked to the front door to give this trespasser a warm welcome she will never forget.

Ash opened the door and the woman abruptly attempted to slap Ash in the face but she missed. Ash held her wrist tight with her poker face and her eyes focused on the intruder. The woman was too small for Ash there’s no way she could ever win in this physical fight she was planning to do, not unless she has a weapon like a knife or a samurai but looks like there’s none so it’s apparently a no-match.

“Easy!” Ash said when she stopped this woman’s ridiculous act of madness. The woman was somewhat astonished with the composure and nonchalant poise of her husband’s mistress.

“You’re a filthy whore! A home wrecker!” the woman exclaimed as she let go of her hand from Ash’s possession.

“Thanks, my pleasure. Come in, so I can show you where I’ve been f*cking your husband. Do you like tea or coffee?” Ash said sarcastically as she closed the door behind.

“Why are you doing this? Why me? Why Ben? What are you getting out of this?” she said, her voice was shaking like a choppy line during a call.

“Have a seat first and make yourself comfortable.” Ash said as she prepares a cup of coffee for the angry visitor. Ben’s wife, whose name is Abby, didn’t follow Ash’s instructions and stubbornly glued herself to her current standing position with her arms crossed, anxious with how Ash behaves and treats her.

“I didn’t come here to have coffee with you, bitch! I came here to warn you! If you don’t stop seeing my husband, you’re going to hell!” Abby said, with her voice a little too loud for a threat.

“Haha. You making me laugh, sweetie. The way you said it scared the hell out of me. Haha.” She said sarcastically, as she sits down in her black leather couch and crossed her flawless legs to show off her confidence.

“You should have done a little research about me before you went here, darling. Oh well, poor you. I have regular clients, fyi, and Ben is one of them. I don’t mind losing him, if he decides to cut off what we have, because I have other options. You see? That’s why I don’t give a f*ck with you coming here and shouting like a mad beast. You should be asking your husband to stop seeing me, not the other way around. Why, are you scared he would choose me over you?” Ash continued, looking straight to the enemy’s eyes.

Abby was startled for a couple of minutes she didn’t know how to respond. This whore is getting on her nerves she wanted to cry but she chose not to. When she was about to open her mouth to reply, someone knocked on the door and they both went silent.

To be continued…

#fiction

Love and Loss, Truth and the End

“If you really love me, why would you leave me?” He said, facing away from her, evading the moment where he should be asking this whilst looking straight to her eyes, but he didn’t have the courage—he was frightened to see an unspoken truth that lies beneath her big brown eyes, he was scared to find out that maybe, she just simply fell out of love for him.

Silence kicks in, it was deafening. The kind that makes your heart throb a little faster than the ordinary beat, the kind that gives you no hope to search for a validated line that could satisfy the boy’s muddled mind.

The girl started to speak after a moment,

“Baby…” she said, with her voice shaking like a shivering body of a homeless girl on a sad winter night. She stared at him, waiting to meet his eyes, but she failed. She held his hand with her right and put the other to his chin, gently forcing his face to tilt to one side, to face her, so she can have his eyes as a witness, as she would speaking nothing but the truth at 3:30 in the morning. She took a deep breath to release the tension and fear she has inside and said,

“I love you so much. It breaks my heart to hear you question the love I have for you because I reckon you don’t even know the real depth of it. Please don’t ever think that what I’ve said to you, what I have showed you, were all a complete lie. Because I have always been true to you, I’ve loved you more than you know. In fact, I’ve given so much of me. I’ve even devoted my entire life into the pursuit of our growth as partners. But now when I look at myself, all I see is a restless woman who got so drained for giving too much of her it has exhausted every part of her being. As I look into your troubled eyes, I asked myself, can I still fight for this? I want to give up now because I think I don’t have any energy left. I got so tired, I’m sorry but this is true. They say, if you love someone, you should never feel tired. I say, I loved someone so much I came to this point right now that nothing is left, I spent too much effort on this, done everything I could to make you happy, but it has always been me, and guess I’m still not enough for you. And for two years, I haven’t felt that security. Not even a single plan has been laid out in front me.”

She tried to stay as composed as she could, trying to hold back them tears from falling. After speaking of truth, she felt that sense of relief. She’s aware that he might not understand it right away, but telling the truth has set her free, from the constant anxiety she has felt for holding on to something she wasn’t sure of, just because she couldn’t feel the same level of commitment she has for their story to work.

What if he doesn’t accept this and asked for a one more chance? Should the girl give this boy another shot?

#fiction

She’s too much of a woman

She’s too much of a woman. An overthinker who analyses every detail. An incredibly intelligent one. A kind who gives more but expects little. She’s often abused for having such a trait, yet still she remains kind and munificent in her most modest way.

She’s too much of a woman, living a life of drama, but she keeps it to herself so no one knows her enigma. She writes about it instead, cries for it in bed, wipes it off once the pain is dead.

She’s too much of a woman, so she wonders everyday, about the existence of the world in the first place. She’s but a girl with a curious mind. Grew up with books and tons of questions in line. Some got answers, some got none. Still seeking for the rest to be unlocked at the right time.

Now she’s here, standing in front of a man. A man she loves with all sums of her being. A man of trouble she embraced with no ceiling. Yes she’s a smart woman, but lucidly stupid in this game she’s playing. Isn’t it ironic? That she’s highly clever but an outright stupid? A woman of class who falls for a narcissistic. A woman this man blames for overanalysing. For too much jealousy and envy, for her bunch of worries and insecurities.

She’s too much of a woman—this is what the man used as an excuse. So he left her ’cause he couldn’t manage her simple rules. Rules of sincere love and undivided attention. Don’t you know that’s what she’s only asking for?

(The digital painting above is an original creation of my boyfriend, Arvy. Special thanks to him for this beautiful piece of art.)

♥️♥️♥️