Don’t read this if you’re highly sensitive

This day felt like a day of survival. A day of waiting for the sun to set so it can rise again tomorrow. Such a paradox really but earlier i was getting a little impatient, yet again. Things don’t seem to be working. Walking along this path that has little to no form of lighting. It’s too dark but holding on tight with this wand of faith handed to me by God when He instructed me to go to this direction. My grip is tight, a bit afraid that it slips off my hand. ‘Cause it’s the only thing I have that keeps me going. To look past the limits of my eyes, to search beyond the unsearchable and to try to grasp the shaky uncertainty that tests me.

Should i keep moving or should i go back? What if there’s nothing in there? What if I’m just wasting my time? What if my intuition was wrong? What if this isn’t really where I’m supposed to be? Will there be light if i kept on walking or am I just fooling myself?

These are my everyday questions. My everyday eerie movie. My everyday battle against the demons in my head that are seemingly obsessive. Well, maybe the rollercoaster effect is to blame. The highs and lows of the ride that give the same amount of shitty feeling. The seesaw syndrome of my extremity. Of my duality that makes and then breaks me. It’s just, hard—To live in the present moment. To just be. But I’m trying. God knows I’m trying. But sometimes the pushing to be present hurts. Maybe because it requires of force. Not like a normal gravitational pull like how i am with my writing, with my words, with the world i create out of my imagination. But I’m not allowed to stay there for long. I HAVE TO stay in the present reality.

And I guess there would really be times like these where I couldn’t get my shit together and that I have to push things. And I think this rythym of pushing with so much force will never stop hurting if I don’t stop trying to control things the way i want it. And hell, I know this already, don’t I? Why do i keep on doing the same old shit?

Earlier i thought to myself: this transformation journey sucks. It fucking hurts. The breaking of old patterns just so i can be better. The changing of habits just so i can be consistent. The allowing of things to unfold at the right time so i can be patient. The loving myself first so I can love others more. The building of self-worth so I won’t be needing of validation from other people anymore. And the fucking slowing down and the fucking details! It sucks. It hurts. But it’s essential for my growth. And it’s all for my highest good. Fine. Let me convince myself of this positive fucked up self-help theme of the world right now. To be self-reliant, to know how to self-regulate and to be self-aware! They sound so simple but it isn’t.

P.s. I know this too shall pass. I just had to blurt it out and felt like posting it. If you reached until this postscript, then i guess you’re not highly sensitive at all 😁 (But please excuse my language.)

Pps. I’M NOT GIVING UP.

Circling thoughts

Today, I felt empty. I buried my face on the table where I write, with my hands and arms reaching for one another like they both needed that warmth, that hug that could maybe lessen the intensity of the pain I have inside. I listened carefully to the chaotic rhythm my tears make as they run down my cheeks and each time it drops to the surface of the table like a raw melancholic beat. Tears that created a melody that nearly lulled me to sleep—that aftermath of crying that makes you want to just close your eyes, hoping for a beautiful dream that you believe show signs.

But then you realise that the things in your head still want you to keep blinking and think more and more til you reach that certain level of restlessness. I am restless, my mind exactly. Not sure whether it’s the right part of my brain that makes my head ache for the flood of words that wanted to escape or if it’s the Amygdala who confuses itself for the battle of emotions that fight against each other to find out which one stands out best. Perhaps, the latter. The war each and everyone of us create can sometimes get too damaging, worse yet, it could make you feel so down and even depressed. Needless to say, I reached that phase of downhill, of rockbottom, of almost losing yourself as you drown your own aching body to the bottomless ocean of agony you thought existed.

Truth is, it’s all in my head. I knew it’s not real when something invisible poked me in the head that made me release my face from drowning in its own tears. Something that cannot be seen, like maybe an angel who whispered to me saying, “you have to look up”, thus I did. I looked up and looked out the window from my left. There I saw a rainbow that showed up like a unicorn passing by with a full smile on his face. Why, I asked myself, does the rainbow suddenly filled my emptiness? And is it really the rainbow that made me feel better or it’s just me wanting to use that rainbow as a tool to lift my spirits up and keep on fighting?

Sometimes, we know where to find the answers but our fears don’t allow us to get there as swift as we want to. Perceiving the road as dark and scary instead of looking at it as a trail of colours with such extraordinary beauty. Some days it’s okay to be empty, it’s actually an opportunity for you to seek for ways to fill your heart with gratitude as you search for the signs you’ve been praying for. But please, don’t stay there. Stop doing that to yourself. Get up and fight the voices in your head that kills your confidence. Hasn’t everyone told you yet that it’s in your hands? Isn’t it too cliched already if I say that the choice is yours to make? Cliched or not, I’ll say it over and over again to strengthen that belief system we all need to guide our way. The power you used that made yourself feel miserable for the nonexistent fears that has lead you to such disastrous episodes is nothing compared to the power you have to turn everything around. You decide your own destiny. Shape it the way you want it with the guidance of God who knows what’s best. Everything’s going to be alright, trust me.

***

Photo credit: Pinterest

The girl who was undressed by evil 2

She woke up feeling tired and unease, like being asleep for so long. She knew something has changed in her as she delicately touch her face down to her shoulders, arms, belly and legs down to her toes. She studied all of her parts, but none was missing. She was complete but more. She knew something changed, she reckoned that the event from the night before was responsible for this very odd feeling.

Did everything just happen last night? 

She whispered to herself as she peered around the strange vastness of the room she’s in. The size of it made her feel small that paradoxically almost asphyxiated her whole system. And there’s no one there. Not even a single soul nor something that could possibly make a sound apart from the heaviness of her breathing. Nothing else was there except from the Japanese full sized bed with dark blue shiny sheets that was too troubling to look at. Fear instantly grasped her heart, but she ignored it.

She stood up  and gently closed her eyes while her hands converge with the pure black walls as she danced her way slowly through the four corners of her cage. Yes, she’s caged. That’s what she felt as she was sensing the texture and the life of the wide walls of her room. She then opened her eyes as she finished the tour, eyes that spoke of wrath and agony for the many questions in her mind that baffles her.

She’s 100% sure this wasn’t where she was tortured. This room is entirely different. As she reached the door, the only way to escape since there are no windows, she squeezed the knob to the right that produced such a frightening click that echoed inside the room for what seemed like eternity––a click that shouts of being locked there forever. The domino effect of it stayed in her head that made her fall onto her knees and with her trembling hands she tightly held and pulled the strands of her hair from her scalp like a mad woman lost in her own world. The fire in her eyes saw nothing but chaos. The fear she tried to ignore kicked in once again, and this time it was much larger than the first one.

She blinked and then a single line of tear from her left eye disturbed the tension in her cheek. And without holding back, she screamed at the top of her lungs to let go of the anxiety that strangles her soul.

“Arrrrrrgggghhhhhhh!” A loud vibrating growl like a lioness in an empty jungle, hungry for answers, enraged by the silence that was ironically deafening. With the extreme intensity of her scream, she watched the black concrete walls break with monstrous veins of crack like how an earthquake would do to a strong surface.

The crack continued to grow like it’s about to break the cage she’s in. She then grinned wildly not only because freedom is about to be granted to her, but most importantly because she knew she could do astonishing things she has never done before. And it stimulated her thoughts, to seek for the rest of the missing magnificent pieces that will complete the puzzle. She felt it in her bones that there’s more of her that she will soon be able to unleash.

 

****************

Read the first part here.

Photo credit to Pinterest

Over-flawed skin, pure strength within

She perused all her parts,

there she saw a woman full of scars.

Scars that mirror the wars she fought

and flaws naturally scattered in all sorts. 

 

No filter could fit, to really cover them zits

But don’t you know she’s loved for it?

Loved for these scars she can never delete.

 

A manifestation of absolute valour,

with her vibrant eyes focused on the colours

she never capitulated though odds weren’t in favour.

Battled ’til the end, despite carrying no armour.

 

She’s truly a woman with an “over-flawed” skin,

but such, with pure strength within.

 

************************************************************************************

A surreal win

Why am I here?

Why did I decide to be alone when the wind and the trees and the moon wants to come along?

They were here to be of help—so i can somehow breathe and witness a ray of light.

But I don’t want them in this fight.

My body craves for the full bloom of darkness inside.

You know why I like to endure this moment of total black?

So I get to teach myself to never fear the dark.

To feel each sting the sharp objects bring,

to embrace the pain that in my bones have remained.

I never hated the idea of hurting,

’cause they push me to be growing

to a woman of strength, I’m becoming..

a woman of resilience and grit.

I need to be all by myself—

so I get to converse with them voices within,

to understand the purpose of this storm I’m in,

not bothering no one, not confiding to a friend.

Because in times like this,

I need to crack a code to surpass the test.

And I’m supposed to find that code,

by marrying myself with this sword—

a weapon I can use to “unfear” the unknown,

to destroy the naysayer’s voice,

to never stop believin’ in my soul.

Why am I here?

Because life sometimes sucks yet I have to take it all in.

It’s for the better, it’s a surreal win.

(digital painting credit to the best artist in the world, Arvy)