Love and Loss, Truth and the End

“If you really love me, why would you leave me?” He said, facing away from her, evading the moment where he should be asking this whilst looking straight to her eyes, but he didn’t have the courage—he was frightened to see an unspoken truth that lies beneath her big brown eyes, he was scared to find out that maybe, she just simply fell out of love for him.

Silence kicks in, it was deafening. The kind that makes your heart throb a little faster than the ordinary beat, the kind that gives you no hope to search for a validated line that could satisfy the boy’s muddled mind.

The girl started to speak after a moment,

“Baby…” she said, with her voice shaking like a shivering body of a homeless girl on a sad winter night. She stared at him, waiting to meet his eyes, but she failed. She held his hand with her right and put the other to his chin, gently forcing his face to tilt to one side, to face her, so she can have his eyes as a witness, as she would speaking nothing but the truth at 3:30 in the morning. She took a deep breath to release the tension and fear she has inside and said,

“I love you so much. It breaks my heart to hear you question the love I have for you because I reckon you don’t even know the real depth of it. Please don’t ever think that what I’ve said to you, what I have showed you, were all a complete lie. Because I have always been true to you, I’ve loved you more than you know. In fact, I’ve given so much of me. I’ve even devoted my entire life into the pursuit of our growth as partners. But now when I look at myself, all I see is a restless woman who got so drained for giving too much of her it has exhausted every part of her being. As I look into your troubled eyes, I asked myself, can I still fight for this? I want to give up now because I think I don’t have any energy left. I got so tired, I’m sorry but this is true. They say, if you love someone, you should never feel tired. I say, I loved someone so much I came to this point right now that nothing is left, I spent too much effort on this, done everything I could to make you happy, but it has always been me, and guess I’m still not enough for you. And for two years, I haven’t felt that security. Not even a single plan has been laid out in front me.”

She tried to stay as composed as she could, trying to hold back them tears from falling. After speaking of truth, she felt that sense of relief. She’s aware that he might not understand it right away, but telling the truth has set her free, from the constant anxiety she has felt for holding on to something she wasn’t sure of, just because she couldn’t feel the same level of commitment she has for their story to work.

What if he doesn’t accept this and asked for a one more chance? Should the girl give this boy another shot?

#fiction

5 lessons everyone should learn about LOVE

Love is my favourite. When i hear this word, I can hear his voice. When people talk happily about it, I see his smile. When people blame love for being miserable, it makes me question the real purpose of it, whilst imagining his enraged face due to our inevitable fights.

Love is so powerful it can make you the happiest and the saddest person at the same time. This paradox is a cliché, but only those who have experienced this 2-in-1 effect of love can only testify how ironically twisted love is.

Love is showing me these facets right now. Love makes me indefinably overjoyed, but recently it was shattering all pieces of me, including my state of mind, my weakened soul and my whole vulnerable self. I initially thought love only exacerbates the pain caused by a single person or situation but then I realized that love is only teaching me lessons. For me to grow, not only as a person but most significantly as a partner.

I have failed in love too many times it really sucks. I even thought once about abandoning love forever, but I couldn’t seem to do it. Love lies in the deepest layer of my bones I wouldn’t be able to just let it go. In spite of failing at it too many times, I still believe that once I have reached that level of maturity, applying all the lessons love has taught me the hard way, I would succeed in it. They say the most powerful advice comes from those who have been there, done that, felt it, suffered at it and eventually survived it. Hence, I will share to you the lessons love has taught me, despite the fact that love is not my expertise.

1. Love is not easily angered

Being a short-tempered woman that I am, it is quite a challenge for me to stay calm during fights, whether it’s minor or a major one, I couldn’t help myself but talk recklessly, resulting to a more serious damage. We should understand that we should not be easily angered under any circumstances and learn how to talk it out in the most serene way possible. Take a deep breath, hold your partner’s hand, and think thoroughly before you say something. Hurtful words will only aggravate the situation so be careful at what anger is forcing you to say.

2. Let love win over your ego

We had a fight recently and my egotistic self was too proud that I waited for almost a week before I spoke to him. I didn’t want to message first thinking it wasn’t my fault, but the repercussion of not following what love has been telling me to do (which is to talk to him) has made me the most miserable person on earth. Don’t let your ego eat you up, it will make you sick, it will never make you happy. Call your partner now and don’t prolong the agony you are creating for postponing the proper communication you should have done to fix things. In love, sometimes it doesn’t matter who the real culprit in the battle is, what matters most is how you end the war of love by apologizing and acknowledging the cause of it and letting love win just because love always wins.

3. Love is never selfish

When you’re the type of person who loves and gives too much (like I), you have this unavoidable tendency to feel tired especially if you think your partner is not putting in the same effort. This is normal because we WANT to receive love in return, don’t we? I mean, let’s not be hypocrites on this aspect, because I sure know you also crave to be loved just as much as the amount of love you can give to your partner. But what if it’s not identical? Should we find someone else that could give us what we want? Hell no. True love is not like that. Never ever count how much effort you are exerting in the relationship because love is never selfish. Do not accuse your partner of not helping you make things work because…

4. Love is spoken in different languages

It is purely true that each and everyone of us have different love languages thus we also perceive it in such a unique way. The way you show love may be totally distinct from the way your partner does it. Hence, you should never be disappointed if the love you can give is not given to you in the same form. Assess yourself to identify your love language and make sure you also ask your partner of his. Communicate it with him/her so you can manage your expectations and never get disappointed in the end.

5. Love is all we need

I don’t know about you, but this is what’s keeping me alive. My life has massively changed when I began to know Love. I don’t need no drugs nor alcohol to make me high, because love already does it to me everyday of my life. If you know how to love someone, you are lucky. It’s a privilege because I know some people who can’t even manage to love themselves, hence they couldn’t give it out to someone else. And if you are loved, you are blessed. Be grateful about it because not everyone can receive it. Love is all we need in this mundane world we’re in.

The lessons I have learned will stick within me as a reminder of the real power of love. Love is too strong no one can really break its purpose. Love is our fuel to get going. Without love, we have no reason to go on with our life. Love is an intangible gift from God. The best things in life are unseen just like when God speaks to us and when we close our eyes to kiss. Give love and choose love, always.

 

(Photo credit to the owner)

One whimsical thought

She was reading something when I saw her this morning. Heedless of my presence, oblivious to my growing admiration for her.

She seemed as if she was beautifully jailed in her imagination—the way her eyes move with each word shows so much passion. She was glued to her own world, enjoying the adventure of the book she holds.

That’s what I like most about her.

She expands her mind with her love for curiosity. She asks me questions everyday, in her most zealous and most innocent way.

Then one day she asked me, “how come all your paintings are amazing?”

I was delighted, stunned by that heartfelt query. It was too flattering I couldn’t find the right words to say.

But my heart spoke and said…

Her love for me makes me crave to be the best.

Her respect for my creation pushes me to study more and improve my artistic self.

Her presence uplifts my soul so much I couldn’t help but fall for her hard each day.

I held her right hand and closed my eyes for a coupla seconds—then I kissed it. Thought she would find it enough for an answer, that it was all because of her.

(Digital Painting credit to my boyfriend, Arvy)

#fiction

Love is a paradox

You make me feel safe everytime my skin gets touched by you.

Paradoxically however, you can also make me feel scared about what the future might bring.

We both know how crazy we became—from the time our eyes locked, we became insane.

Oblivious of the real world, unaware of the odds despite its sheer clarity.

It’s just so vivid to me—that we can’t be together tomorrow, that today is our last day.

That there really should be no happy in an ending. Because there’s no such thing as you and me, in this world full of rules and tragedy.

But how can you do this to me? You created a language only our hearts can utterly elucidate. It’s now making me hard to concentrate—can’t think of nothing else, but the now that we have that i will never forsake.

It’s merely now but no tomorrow. Just today so let’s make the most out of it.

Kiss my hand and hold it tight before it gets cold.

Tell me you love me ’cause I need some validation.

Tell me you’ll never stop thinking of me even if I have to flee, because my body is already killing me and i have to set you free.

But oh please don’t cry for me. Stop being vulnerable and show me your strength.

Because you are my strength, my main reason for fighting. But you know how hard the battle is, so please, now—allow me to surrender.

In a few minutes I will close my eyes and I’d have to give up enjoying the beauty of your eyes.

Your eyes have been telling me to fight, they said fight for me one last time.

My heart told them I wanted to. But my angels are almost here—I can see them carrying my wings for me.

My love for you is so intense it’s making me happy and gloomy at the same time. It’s the love i have for you that kept me alive for some time, but it has made me feel lonely most of the time.

I’m lonely because I won’t be with you when you get wrinkly and old.

I’m lonely because tomorrow you might meet someone new, and you’ll soon forget the idea of me.

I’m lonely because I don’t have enough time left, to show you how much you mean to me.

I’m lonely you will never be mine again but it makes me happy that I’m dying whilst entangled by your arms around me.

I couldn’t breathe anymore, i can see an utter bloom of light coming through.

I reckon this is it. The now that i spent with you is both the most euphoric and most soul-crushing thing that ever happened to me.

For love is a paradox, yet it is absolutely true.

(Photo taken at Oslo, Norway)