My semantic musings about light and darkness

We hear of it like a clichéd lexicon of the norm but what do we really know about it? What do you really know about darkness and the lightness of the weight of it?

How light, how peaceful, how religiously liberating to get in touch with the darkest parts of you that you were ignoring—out of fear of being unaccepted, out of fear of being judged. I go out there, out in the world with so much darkness i never deny of me. It allows my spirit to run freely, with no inhibitions, with no faking. And you know what? It’s intoxicating. Exciting. Full of spice. Full of depths that know its own desires. My desires are not purely angelic. Mostly aren’t.

And whenever i get in touch with this certain form of darkness, it gives me some sense of satisfaction. Like closing one’s eyes when you reach an orgasm—seeing nothing but feeling so much of a feeling you would always want to feel should you be allowed to. Correct? And metaphorically speaking, that’s how light it is to see nothing in the dark but feeling so connected to who you truly are. Do you know what i mean?

I used orgasm as an example (to align it with the darkness enveloped herein) but i know you know what i mean. I know you know that you, not embracing the darkest sides of who you are, actually prevents you from being authentic. And when you’re not being authentic, when you’re not being yourself, are you happy? Are you living a life you chose for yourself or someone else’s chose that for you? Are you stepping into the kind of man or woman of worth despite the fact that people around you judge you based on what they see wrong about you? Or up until now you’re still hiding behind your own shadow because you’re too afraid to be seen as someone people expect you shouldn’t be? And yes that’s the sad reality—culture and tradition has shaped the earlier generations with beliefs that we should act and behave a certain way that sometimes kills our insides because fck tradition, that’s not who you wanna be, right?

And everything is changing now. In fact, it’s transmuting into something more vibrant and more colorful than how we were. And if the world is now growing faster than ever before, have you checked on how much progress you have made? If you’re not progressing, you will feel stuck, thus, you won’t be happy. And this random musings about darkness and light is an invitation for you, to step into the light you can only find when you courageously stepped into the dark. Please, stop being apologetic for the way you behave. Stop pleasing people. Unfake the faking and start getting real with your real self.

You’re welcome.

Awakening the evil

img_3248-4“You’re crazy to think there’s love in between all of this. You’re completely out of your mind. It’s merely a sexual desire, don’t you see?”

Face still straight and emotionless, the Psychoweirdo uttered these words that has probably shattered Ben’s hope. She wasn’t lying, although she’s quite bothered with the way this guy treats her, she’s 100% sure it’s not love. How can someone know of something she hasn’t felt ever, neither received from anyone, nor is present even in her own self? Isn’t that ludicrous?

Ben stood up, opened the bottle of Scotch resting at the table and poured some in his glass. He walked slowly towards the window, in deep thought, but his eyes were lost in oblivion. He could feel the rage firing up inside him whilst he hears his alter-ego that poisons his head, telling him how much of a loser he is, presenting all his regrets at the core of his mind. Regret? Perhaps yes, he regrets that he left his family for this woman of magical charm–he was blind enough to see the scars concealed pretty well in her porcelain skin. And yes, crazy enough to think that this crazy woman will eventually fall for him. He drank all the scotch left in the glass he’s holding and firmly said,

“Ash, I am crazy about you and you’re mine!”

As he declared, Ash saw a flash of demonic fire burning in his eyes, which is not too foreign to her. She has seen this before, roughly around a decade ago, when his foster father raped her, multiple times before she was able to escape. All the unpleasant scenes she has buried in the micro deepest layer of her memory has emerged and evolved into a fresh huge monster that in that very second has made her ill, making her want to run away again forever.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re done. I’m leaving.” she hastily picked up her bag and almost made her way out when Ben grasped her by the wrist, shut the door and said, “I’m afraid that’s not gonna happen.”

With his strong built, he pushed his body towards hers, her right cheek pressed in the back of the door like what a policeman does when they catch a criminal. With both her hands in his possession, she could hardly move, it seems like the flashbacks from ten years ago weakened her knees, she’s nearly vulnerable and almost ready to yield.

“You’re hurting me! Let me go!” shouted Ash, as she tried to fight back the weight of Ben’s body that’s hindering her to run away.

Pain suddenly disrupted her brain. Not the physical one she currently feels (’cause that’s way more tolerable), but the pain from the darkest places she’s been in the past that she never wished to see again. After a few seconds, she smelled the stinky odour of the past that was too familiar to her senses, when the man behind her said them words that her father used to say…

“How about we play some games first?”



This is a continuation to The Psychoweirdo fiction series. For the previous parts, click on the links below.

A Psychoweirdo

The Psychoweirdo’s voice

The Psychoweirdo’s voice Part 2

Psychoweirdo is back!

The Psychoweirdo’s charm

Ash–as human, and a woman.


Over-flawed skin, pure strength within


She perused all her parts,

there she saw a woman full of scars.

Scars that mirror the wars she fought

and flaws naturally scattered in all sorts. 


No filter could fit, to really cover them zits

But don’t you know she’s loved for it?

Loved for these scars she can never delete.


A manifestation of absolute valour,

with her vibrant eyes focused on the colours

she never capitulated though odds weren’t in favour.

Battled ’til the end, despite carrying no armour.


She’s truly a woman with an “over-flawed” skin,

but such, with pure strength within.



Ash—as human, and a woman.


The sunlight kissed her cheeks at 7 in the morning as she was awoken by its strange heat brought by its reflection by the windowsill. With her slightly opened eyes she found herself lying in a foreign room, with an old-fashioned yet comfortable bed, with scents of old books all over, complimented by the artistic colors shouting at four walls, with pine trees waving at her as she faintly lift her head to peer at what’s behind them white curtains being swayed by the wind.

She couldn’t help but to smile albeit rather anxiously, with the thought that someone might see her. She then looked around and found no one else except for her bare and naked self. She stood up and walked tiptoed, worried that the floor made of purely wood might break, but the idea of it happening made her laugh at the back of her head. She held the other side of the white curtains and used it to cover her body, leaving only the sight of her face and a little bit of skin from her shoulders as she pressed it in between her armpits making it look like she’s wearing a white tube long dress. She leaned towards slowly and crumpled her eyes to take a clear look at the view—the pine trees stand firmly at the white sand that looked like it has swarovski and diamonds in it, as it shines brightly with the help of the sun. Birds are forming some sort of patterns in the bright blue sky, dancing and singing like theater actors that are well-rehearsed. Beyond them trees she could see the splash of big waves and the sound of it that in that moment, calms her soul.

A soul. Yes, she has a soul. However, it’s not quite visible using typical set of eyes, she reckons no one ever has seen it, as she has been keeping it at the depths of her skin. What everyone sees in her is nothing but evilness and wickedness—and she’s completely fine with it. That’s exactly what she’s born for, aint it? She didn’t want to share her secrets that lies underneath the words in her eyes and she hardly even thought of joining forces with a man on a deeper level. It was never part of the plan. But Ben digs effortlessly to get to know her and now she fears the idea of losing the battle.

It all started when Ben left everything for her, chose her, accepted her, understood her and met all her needs. He brought her in a Probinsya, for a holiday getaway, away from the chaos of Manila’s crazy traffic. Ben told her he bought a house by the beach and that he wanted her to see it but he didn’t tell her beforehand that they’re going to stay the night. She doesn’t want to sleep next to someone, in spite of her strong sexual attraction towards Ben, but she realized she had no choice. It was a long drive she was a little exhausted so she didn’t protest anymore. And there she found herself waking up to such an amazing view. The Psychoweirdo then closed her eyes and played the horror of the ugly possibility that lingers in her head, as the wind touches her face gently, heedless of the curtains that left her body open for everyone else to see. But again, no one’s there anyway.

A few seconds later Ben opened the door with a mussed hair and a full smile on his face, wearing only a cute dirty white apron and his blue checkered boxers while he carries a tray of Filipino food.

“Good morning, Beautiful. I cooked you breakfast.” he said as he stared at Ash’s naked body, looking like he’s memorizing her curves and perhaps enjoying the beauty of her breasts. Ash didn’t say nothing. She almost ignored him and nonchalantly reached for her dress and walked past through him to go to the restroom. She leaned her back against the door with her hands at her back, still holding the knob even after she locked it, not moving a muscle and just staring at the ceiling, with unwanted thoughts that bother her. No one has ever treated me like human, or even a woman except for him. She thought without blinking, her heart started to race like its going to explode. She couldn’t be vulnerable with anyone, that’s never going to happen. She’s scared with the idea of him looking at her like she has seen her soul, that she’s been hiding all along. She’s afraid that maybe he has seen it, even without her knowing it. Is that even possible?


This is a continuation from my fiction series The Psychoweirdo. 🙂

The Psychoweirdo’s charm

Ben was bewildered by the silent scene he just witnessed right before his very eyes. It almost felt like he’s in a movie wherein two girls are about to fight over him, which made him feel a bit proud of himself, that added some dose of pride and confidence in his Alpha soul. He scratched the daydreaming after realising that this ain’t a movie at all, it was real life. His wife Abby is standing right next to his mistress who happened to be a sin he would never regret of committing. Ash has exceeded the definition of perfection—who is gifted with such undeniably seducing soul, with those brown eyes that speaks of lust, a body that shouts of warmth and home, hair that smells of lilies in full bloom and a sweet voice that mimics of Jazz on a sad solitary night. He must be crazy, he thought. Whatever it is, he knows for a fact that a woman like this is almost impossible to even exist, like a gem that can only be found in the dark abyss of ocean and seas.

“What is going on in here? Abby, let’s go home now, I’ll explain everything…” said Ben, who suddenly dropped the paperbag of Japanese food he bought at Yabu Restaurant as he rapidly reached out for his wife’s hands so he can escort her out of the house. But he reckoned it’s not possible, with Abby’s face that threatens of a quick death, by the way her features instantly transformed in mere seconds. A pair of fire emojis replaced her once angelic eyes, at least to his imagination, that made him sweat like he just lifted a 300 lbs of weights, non-stop.

Abby slightly moved back from her standing position as she peered at Ben with sheer rage, then she shoo him away in the most brutal way possible, as he attempts to hold her and lead her out of the house.

“No, i need explanation NOW!!! You fuckin’ tell me what’s going on and why the fuck are you cheating with me and how long has this been going on?!??! Fuckin’ tell me ’cause I fuckin’ deserve to know!!!!!” she stated hysterically, losing all the poise a legal wife should have. She just lost it, she couldn’t help it.

Ash nonchalantly held and opened up her tiny jar by the coffee table that contains sweets and gums and grabbed a strawberry flavored gum she calmly put into her mouth, as she watches this familiar boring movie that’s making her nearly sleepy. She crossed her arms in front of her and leaned her back against the wall as she chews and pops the gum in her mouth, in a sexy manner every man would absolutely get turned on, even just on the chewing act alone. The Psychoweirdo didn’t say a word—her presence is enough to overrule the heated ambiance these overly dramatic Asian people created in her place. Fuck off, she thought.

Ben tried to carry his petite wife like a child, regardless of her violent protest with the act, scandalous cussing and crazy shouting. Notwithstanding Abby’s size, she was able to get off of him as she scratched him hard with her witch-like long nails and as she bit his arm that left a mark that is almost about to bleed. She didn’t wanna lose, no matter how ridiculous the scene she’s creating, she didn’t mind. She needs an answer, Ben needs to choose between her and this whore.

“OK! I will leave this filthy house, but you have to choose between me or your mistress. Tell me, who would you pick? Your wife who have loved you for years or this bitch you barely know?! Tell me! Fuckin’ decide NOW!” she threatened Ben, whilst pointing to Ash, confident enough that he’s going to choose her, ’cause she’s the legal wife, the right owner of Ben.

Ash wasn’t bothered by the wife’s threat, she cared less about losing Ben, but she knows she was the best in bed, by far. She’s thinking hard as she looks at Ben, trying to send a captivating message through her eyes—to stay and choose her. She’s not sure yet, but she wants to be chosen, perhaps it was her ego or maybe it was also because she was truly hooked by this guy’s inexplicable hotness.

Ben didn’t know how to reply, he’s both shocked and frightened. What is he supposed to do now?

To be continued…

Psychoweirdo is back!

The Psychoweirdo has been travelling around Asia for three weeks now and she’s killin’ it. She loved how the Asian guys showered her with so much attention, with bizarre warmth she has never felt before. They have made her feel like she’s Selena Gomez or Angelina Jolie, albeit rather bitchy of a version of these celebrities. Ash’s confidence is overflowing in the cockiest way you could ever imagine but they still end up being caged by her charm. She has this invisible psychic aura that hypnotizes Asian men to not only want to sleep with her but to keep coming back for more. Ironically however, she reckoned that these men has the same power over her and she’s enjoying it. She normally didn’t like regular clients but in this place in the Philippines called Manila, she has made an exception. It was with Ben—he has showed him strange but fascinating sexual acts she has never experienced before. He has sent her to wildest of dreams that are freakin’ real. It was crazily addictive, she decided to own him and never let go.

Whilst she was merely focused on her Macbook Pro doing some research about Taiwan, she suddenly heard heavy knocks on her front door. She hastily checked the security camera she has set up in the flat she’s renting and she saw a petite woman who’s probably in her late 20’s with furious eyes that kept looking at the camera with her proud middle finger up in the sky. Ash smirked, rolled her eyes, looked at herself in the mirror and winked with her game-face on and walked to the front door to give this trespasser a warm welcome she will never forget.

Ash opened the door and the woman abruptly attempted to slap Ash in the face but she missed. Ash held her wrist tight with her poker face and her eyes focused on the intruder. The woman was too small for Ash there’s no way she could ever win in this physical fight she was planning to do, not unless she has a weapon like a knife or a samurai but looks like there’s none so it’s apparently a no-match.

“Easy!” Ash said when she stopped this woman’s ridiculous act of madness. The woman was somewhat astonished with the composure and nonchalant poise of her husband’s mistress.

“You’re a filthy whore! A home wrecker!” the woman exclaimed as she let go of her hand from Ash’s possession.

“Thanks, my pleasure. Come in, so I can show you where I’ve been f*cking your husband. Do you like tea or coffee?” Ash said sarcastically as she closed the door behind.

“Why are you doing this? Why me? Why Ben? What are you getting out of this?” she said, her voice was shaking like a choppy line during a call.

“Have a seat first and make yourself comfortable.” Ash said as she prepares a cup of coffee for the angry visitor. Ben’s wife, whose name is Abby, didn’t follow Ash’s instructions and stubbornly glued herself to her current standing position with her arms crossed, anxious with how Ash behaves and treats her.

“I didn’t come here to have coffee with you, bitch! I came here to warn you! If you don’t stop seeing my husband, you’re going to hell!” Abby said, with her voice a little too loud for a threat.

“Haha. You making me laugh, sweetie. The way you said it scared the hell out of me. Haha.” She said sarcastically, as she sits down in her black leather couch and crossed her flawless legs to show off her confidence.

“You should have done a little research about me before you went here, darling. Oh well, poor you. I have regular clients, fyi, and Ben is one of them. I don’t mind losing him, if he decides to cut off what we have, because I have other options. You see? That’s why I don’t give a f*ck with you coming here and shouting like a mad beast. You should be asking your husband to stop seeing me, not the other way around. Why, are you scared he would choose me over you?” Ash continued, looking straight to the enemy’s eyes.

Abby was startled for a couple of minutes she didn’t know how to respond. This whore is getting on her nerves she wanted to cry but she chose not to. When she was about to open her mouth to reply, someone knocked on the door and they both went silent.

To be continued…