Circling thoughts

Today, I felt empty. I buried my face on the table where I write, with my hands and arms reaching for one another like they both needed that warmth, that hug that could maybe lessen the intensity of the pain I have inside. I listened carefully to the chaotic rhythm my tears make as they run down my cheeks and each time it drops to the surface of the table like a raw melancholic beat. Tears that created a melody that nearly lulled me to sleep—that aftermath of crying that makes you want to just close your eyes, hoping for a beautiful dream that you believe show signs.

But then you realise that the things in your head still want you to keep blinking and think more and more til you reach that certain level of restlessness. I am restless, my mind exactly. Not sure whether it’s the right part of my brain that makes my head ache for the flood of words that wanted to escape or if it’s the Amygdala who confuses itself for the battle of emotions that fight against each other to find out which one stands out best. Perhaps, the latter. The war each and everyone of us create can sometimes get too damaging, worse yet, it could make you feel so down and even depressed. Needless to say, I reached that phase of downhill, of rockbottom, of almost losing yourself as you drown your own aching body to the bottomless ocean of agony you thought existed.

Truth is, it’s all in my head. I knew it’s not real when something invisible poked me in the head that made me release my face from drowning in its own tears. Something that cannot be seen, like maybe an angel who whispered to me saying, “you have to look up”, thus I did. I looked up and looked out the window from my left. There I saw a rainbow that showed up like a unicorn passing by with a full smile on his face. Why, I asked myself, does the rainbow suddenly filled my emptiness? And is it really the rainbow that made me feel better or it’s just me wanting to use that rainbow as a tool to lift my spirits up and keep on fighting?

Sometimes, we know where to find the answers but our fears don’t allow us to get there as swift as we want to. Perceiving the road as dark and scary instead of looking at it as a trail of colours with such extraordinary beauty. Some days it’s okay to be empty, it’s actually an opportunity for you to seek for ways to fill your heart with gratitude as you search for the signs you’ve been praying for. But please, don’t stay there. Stop doing that to yourself. Get up and fight the voices in your head that kills your confidence. Hasn’t everyone told you yet that it’s in your hands? Isn’t it too cliched already if I say that the choice is yours to make? Cliched or not, I’ll say it over and over again to strengthen that belief system we all need to guide our way. The power you used that made yourself feel miserable for the nonexistent fears that has lead you to such disastrous episodes is nothing compared to the power you have to turn everything around. You decide your own destiny. Shape it the way you want it with the guidance of God who knows what’s best. Everything’s going to be alright, trust me.

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Photo credit: Pinterest

14 Comments

  1. Our Head Elves can run amok on us. This ability to create realities in our heads using only a seed of truth is what separates us from all other living things. We can emote so strongly that we paralyze ourselves with the the scenarios swimming in our mindscape. But, this is also what enables us to imagine the greatest wonders and set them to become our future. I love how you brought us beside you and shared your pain with us and most of all you shared your hope. I am seeing this powerful wave in many people. It’s a veil of despair diffusing a light of hope. I hope the veil lifts soon. Big Hug 🤗 and thank you for lighting the candle in life’s dark room.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m so glad you are comforted Apple. We blogoteer brothers and sisters stick together. You can take us with you wherever you go as you are with us in our little band of merry friends. 🤗

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have yet to see a pier on the ocean that’s fenced in on every side as you walk along there like in the photo.

    But the photo actually illustrates the point of your excellent blog post.

    The fence is symbolic of the fears in our own mind trapping us and narrowing our limits when on either side of us are the majestic waves of the ocean where we can choose to plunge in where we wish without any limits holding us back.

    Like

    1. Excellent analysis! Exactly why I chose that image. We all have those two choices everyday, and it’s all up to us whether we take the easy or the tough path. Thank you for reading this post, Chris. Means a lot to me 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have been in those shoes for a month now, sometimes i just feel terribe about myself and that is what has really affected my blogging but now reading this,i feel better and with God by my side,i lovely. Thanks and goodday 💖

    Liked by 2 people

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