Don’t read this if you’re highly sensitive

This day felt like a day of survival. A day of waiting for the sun to set so it can rise again tomorrow. Such a paradox really but earlier i was getting a little impatient, yet again. Things don’t seem to be working. Walking along this path that has little to no form of lighting. It’s too dark but holding on tight with this wand of faith handed to me by God when He instructed me to go to this direction. My grip is tight, a bit afraid that it slips off my hand. ‘Cause it’s the only thing I have that keeps me going. To look past the limits of my eyes, to search beyond the unsearchable and to try to grasp the shaky uncertainty that tests me.

Should i keep moving or should i go back? What if there’s nothing in there? What if I’m just wasting my time? What if my intuition was wrong? What if this isn’t really where I’m supposed to be? Will there be light if i kept on walking or am I just fooling myself?

These are my everyday questions. My everyday eerie movie. My everyday battle against the demons in my head that are seemingly obsessive. Well, maybe the rollercoaster effect is to blame. The highs and lows of the ride that give the same amount of shitty feeling. The seesaw syndrome of my extremity. Of my duality that makes and then breaks me. It’s just, hard—To live in the present moment. To just be. But I’m trying. God knows I’m trying. But sometimes the pushing to be present hurts. Maybe because it requires of force. Not like a normal gravitational pull like how i am with my writing, with my words, with the world i create out of my imagination. But I’m not allowed to stay there for long. I HAVE TO stay in the present reality.

And I guess there would really be times like these where I couldn’t get my shit together and that I have to push things. And I think this rythym of pushing with so much force will never stop hurting if I don’t stop trying to control things the way i want it. And hell, I know this already, don’t I? Why do i keep on doing the same old shit?

Earlier i thought to myself: this transformation journey sucks. It fucking hurts. The breaking of old patterns just so i can be better. The changing of habits just so i can be consistent. The allowing of things to unfold at the right time so i can be patient. The loving myself first so I can love others more. The building of self-worth so I won’t be needing of validation from other people anymore. And the fucking slowing down and the fucking details! It sucks. It hurts. But it’s essential for my growth. And it’s all for my highest good. Fine. Let me convince myself of this positive fucked up self-help theme of the world right now. To be self-reliant, to know how to self-regulate and to be self-aware! They sound so simple but it isn’t.

P.s. I know this too shall pass. I just had to blurt it out and felt like posting it. If you reached until this postscript, then i guess you’re not highly sensitive at all 😁 (But please excuse my language.)

Pps. I’M NOT GIVING UP.

How are you?

You’re not okay.

Yet you kept on fooling yourself that you are.

You fake that smile without knowing your eyes show nothing but pure sorrow.

You’re in denial of it, because you don’t want people to know you’re in the brink of falling.

You post that selfie in social media to let your followers know that you’re okay.

But little did they know that behind that filter, your naked face apparently shows that you’re on the process of healing.

It’s not even a scar yet.

It’s a fresh wound, it’s still bleeding.

Due to that heartbreak,

due to that love that’s unrequited,

due to the dream that seems so far away,

due to that person who caused you pain,

due to the quarter life or mid life crisis you’re experiencing,

due to being unhappy with your job,

due to not knowing what you want,

due to the envy you feel towards others,

due to the depression you’re going through right now

It’s torturing you but when someone asked you a how-are-you, you always answer them with the I’m-okay lie.

You’re not okay and you even thought about leaving the town or your country and start anew elsewhere.

Didn’t you?

But you didn’t know where to start and you don’t even have the courage to commence a plan of escape.

To escape from reality, from the inevitable adult problems that is so hard to get rif off.

But hey, listen to me.

Why don’t you acknowledge the fact that you’re depressed about something?

Embrace the fact that your skin is wounded upto the deepest layer of your soul.

You are bound to get hurt—whether you like it or not.

Feel it with every nerve you’ve got so you get to know better the kind of pain you’re going through.

Once you find the root of it, pull it out like weeds that need to get cut off, so it won’t fester in other parts of you.

Because you are beautiful and a one single cause of being not okay should never define you.

This time, I hope you learn how to confide in your best friend or whoever it is that you fully trust, be vulnerable with them and share them your inner thoughts, tell them the truth that you’re not okay.

Go to your room or to church or to your favorite place and cry it out loud, release all the tears your eyes are capable of bursting.

Or better yet, write it down. Everything.

You will see a massive change in you once you start being honest with yourself.

Remember, it’s okay to not be okay as long as you’re not in denial of it so you can find a solution for it.

You’re not okay today, but I promise you, as clichéd as it may seem, this too shall pass.

(Photo credit to Pinterest)